


The Pull

by batling



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Better Bella, Biting, Blood, Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence, F/F, Femslash, Hurt/Comfort, Mates, Romance, Vampires
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:06:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 38,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23428939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/batling/pseuds/batling
Summary: After Cullens leave Bella she starts experiencing this strange... pull. The next five months make it intensify and she can no longer ignore it, so she decides to go on a journey that would hopefully help her figure this feeling out. On the way to... somewhere, things happen and views change.What is at the end of this mysterious pull? She will soon find out.
Relationships: Bella Swan/Tanya
Comments: 67
Kudos: 425





	1. Letter

_Dear Charlie, Jake and my friends,_

_After I got the idea to write this letter and explain I also felt fear of you not understanding my motives and blindly looking for me in this god-awful weather that I'm sure is raging behind your window as you read this. But I hope, that after I'll try to explain and lay out all of what I felt and what I thought, you'd understand at least a little. But before I start I have to say one more thing. I love you and I am so grateful for having you all in my life. And no Dad, this is NOT a suicide note!_

_I suppose I'll start from the beginning, when all of this begun. You all remember the night when the Cullens left me. I remember it all too well. After so many months it's still so fresh in my memory. And I hope you also remember the way I spilled all of what I felt that very night. I felt naked, laying out all of my sadness like that. The way I cried makes me cringe as I write it. But I consciously left one thing out. The thing that made me write this letter. Right after Edward went away and left me alone in those woods I got this strange feeling, like a pull towards something. It felt like wind was pushing me in some direction. But instead of feeling it in my body I felt it in my heart. I felt it being grabbed and pulled. I know it sounds strange and maybe kind of insane. Maybe it is. Maybe when Edward broke up with me I went mad, overcome with sorrow. I don't know and that is why I had to leave. To find out whether or not what I feel is real. If you're asking yourselves why didn't I bring it up to you, I cannot say for certain. I felt that if I said what I feel out loud I would make myself look insane and maybe I didn't want to admit to myself that something was wrong with me. Because it feels so real and I know in some way you wouldn't believe me. It doesn't mean I love you any less. I just know you too well. That's why I saved as much money as I possibly could and that's also why when you go to my room you'll find many things gone. That's also why you won't see my truck in the driveway. That's why you woke up and found this latter. I ask you not to look for me. I'll be fine and when I feel more confident with what I feel I'll call you or write you another latter._

_To Jake, I want to say that I'm sorry I'm being so selfish. I shouldn't be leaving you and not supporting you through your own problems but I'll hope you forgive me some day. It feels strange, leaving just after Leah stopped growling at me and Sam started being more open about me being at La Push so often. I'm sorry that I'm leaving just when your family started to warm up to me._

_Dad, I love you and I know you're just itching to call your friends at the station but please don't do that. If you'll find me I don't know if I could continue on like that._

_One more thing, and I don't want you to worry about it, this pull didn't just appeared and stayed the way it was when I first felt it. It grew with its intensity. I'm sure you could recollect moments when I started to fidget and move my eyes in all the directions. I did that because it felt like I wasn't supposed to be where I was. It felt claustrophobic. Because of this… uneasiness I also started writing what I was feeling and at moments it felt like ramblings of a maniac, but on paper. You probably remember seeing me in my room writing in my notebook so fast it looked unreal. That was because what I felt and what was running through my mind was so intense that my hand could not keep up with my thoughts. You won't find those notebooks. I burned every single one after I filled it up. So now you see, I couldn't keep on living like this and not doing anything about it._

_To assure you once again, I am prepared. I have money, maps, knowledge and something still resembling healthy state of mind. I think that's enough. If something were to happen I will call you. You know I'm smart. I won't be gone forever. Think of it like a gap year, just a bit early and not that long. Take this time, without me constantly breathing down your neck, and try to relax. You need it._

_One last thing before I say my final "See you again". I didn't tell mom about me taking this time for myself and I am not planning to. I won't be mad if you tell her. This decision I leave up to you. You can show this letter to Jake and to any of my friends. I love you and even though my heart pulls me towards somewhere else I'll always have you in it. I'll carry my love for you through this journey. So please remember your love for me too._

_Yours forever and see you soon,_

_Bella_

* * *

Charlie wept as he was tightly holding Bella's letter in his shaking hands. As he was reading it, smudges appeared on the paper due to the thick tears falling from his eyes. Unfortunately, It did not obscure his daughter's heartfelt words. How could he missed it? He asked himself that since he stopped reading. How could he missed the troubling thoughts his own flesh and blood was experiencing?

He felt regret. Charlie regretted not being more open and talkative. Maybe then Bella would confide in him the feelings she struggled with. He might've helped her. He might've stopped her. But more than that regret, he felt dread. He was terrified for his teenage daughter, alone in this storm and driving towards something unknown. Something that might not even exist.

He wanted to call his buddies at the station and make a search party but Bella asked him not to. He was torn. He didn't know what to do so he just sat down in the kitchen chair and cried. He knew, in the moment he put down the letter, that he wasn't going to do anything. He might call Jake later and ask if he knew anything about it but he doubted he would. Bella hid it from everyone as far as he knew from the letter. She kept this pull inside her all those months she's been recovering from Edward. Just when everything started to resemble normalcy she disappears. He had hard time believing his daughter capable of something so extreme. Clearly he was wrong.

Through all those excruciating months, mourning Cullens, Bella has toughened up. She didn't resemble that awkward and shy girl she used to be. She became more confident and most importantly happy. Bella and Jake bonded so strongly after Edward, and Charlie was happy for her. He felt assured in Bella having Jake as her best friend. How then could he tell Jake that Bella was gone and nobody knew where? How could she left him on such a sorrow note?

He looked at the clock and saw that it was 8:12 a.m.. It was too early for these feelings, thankfully he had a day off. He didn't think he'd go to work otherwise. Jacob might be up and so Charlie thought he'd call him. The boy would sure as hell try to look for Bella and apparently it was his job to stop him. He sighed. Today was a really bad day.

After he got up he went to the bathroom to wash his face. After that he went into the hallway and stood before the phone. He really didn't want to do this. He knew what Jake's reaction would be. Nevertheless, he picked up a phone and called Jake's home number. It ringed for a while. Clearly Jake and Billy were not up yet. Just when he was about to hang up the phone he heard Jake's, still groggy from sleep, voice.

"Hello?" He sounded so pissed off it threw Charlie off the balance a little. Dealing with an angry teenager was not one of his preferred situations. Thankfully Bella was never like that. Gloomy yes, never angry.

"Hi Jacob, it's Charlie." His voice still sounded harsh from crying. Jake must have noticed because he asked if Charlie was alright.

"You sound strange Mr Swan. Is everything alright?" The anger from before no longer there but instead replaced with worry. Jake was surprised and concerned with Charlie's voice. He never heard him sounding so emotional. He was always a very stoic man.

After a few seconds of silence, and Charlie gathering his thoughts, he spoke to Jake.

"Bella's gone." He rasped and started silently weeping. Saying those words out loud made this situation all the more real.

"She's what?!" Screamed Jake. At that moment Charlie realized that he might've phrased it in a confusing way. The way he said it sounded as if Bella was dead.

"She left a letter and run off." Charlie clarified. It stopped Jake's screaming and just left him breathing heavily into the phone. It felt as if he was breathing on Charlie's cheek. He grimaced. This was getting more uncomfortable than he realized.

"What letter? Where did she go?" Asked annoyed Jake. Charlie's suspicions have come true. Jacob didn't know about it. If Jake wasn't aware about Bella's plans nobody else was.

"I woke up and found this letter. She went somewhere. She didn't specify. Listen, could you come here today? She addressed it to you too." Charlie was getting tired and it was way too early for a beer. But maybe today he'd make an exception. Circumstances clearly allowed it.

"Alright Mr. Swan. Would it be alright if I come over right now?" Asked Jake impatiently. Charlie knew it would take that boy some time to get here. In the meantime he could clean himself. And not look like a total disaster in front of this kid.

"That's fine by me Jacob. Let's talk more later." Charlie was so tired with everything already. You could clearly hear it in his voice. His head even started to hurt a little. This is getting better and better, he thought sarcastically.

"Thanks Mr. Swan. I'll be there in an hour." After that Jake hung up. Charlie thought he must be confused about this situation as much as he was. This was, after all, so very bizarre.

After he put the phone in its place he walked up stairs to his room. On the way there he stopped in front of Bella's door. He slapped his forehead. Why didn't he check the room right after reading that latter? It should've been the first thing on his mind. He shook his head. No reason to bother himself with those thoughts now.

When he touched the doorknob, a spark of hope appeared in his heart. What if this was just a joke? What if Bella was right behind those very doors sleeping? After he swallowed and wiped off his forehead, he realized how much he sweat already. This state of affairs put him in a lot more stress than he noticed.

When he opened the door he saw a silhouette of his sleeping daughter, but it disappeared as soon as he stepped inside the room. He looked around and saw the pile of clothes Bella usually kept near the closet gone. Few of the books on the bookshelf were missing. Her bed was made. Her room pristine as it was the day she came to live with him. This image made Charlie all the more sadder.

He stepped closer to Bella's bed and sat down facing the window. It was open and a slight breeze mixed with rain caressed his face.

As he cried, his tears blended in with the rain.

Such a sorrow sight to behold.

* * *

Jake could not believe his eyes as he looked at Charlie’s face. Standing in the doorway, dressed in creased clothes and barefoot, his red eyes looked back at Jake with the same feeling of disbelief he himself was feeling. The image of usually stoic and composed police officer has shattered in the young boy’s mind. The man before him was nothing like the Charlie he knew. It was a devastating realization.

When he got the phone call early in the morning he did not expect the news he was about to receive. At first he thought he misheard Charlie. He told himself that he’d believe it when he sees it. With the way Charlie looked, any doubt he had had vanished from his mind.

“Hello, Mr. Swan.” Spoke Jake as Charlie took a step back to let the young boy in. Somehow saying “Good Morning” didn’t fit the atmosphere.

“Hi to you too, Jacob. Let’s go to the kitchen.” When Charlie closed the door Jake was already heading up to the kitchen. Upon crossing the threshold his eyes landed on the table and with that on the latter laying there, all mangled up. Cleary handled by someone under distress. He quickly grabbed said letter and started reading. When he was halfway through he felt an arm on his shoulder. He looked back at Charlie and saw understanding in his eyes.

Charlie seeing the confused look in the young boy’s eyes squeezed his shoulder some more.

“Let’s sit down.” He then pushed Jake into the chair. The boy was clearly out of it. Charlie then went to the fridge and took out an unopened bottle of fresh water and a can of beer. He bought some for watching the game tonight but now it did not seem that important. Closing the fridge, he headed to the table where Jake was sitting. Charlie decided to take a closer look at him. His dark, long hair were mostly covering his face but he was able to notice his quivering lip. He would not be surprised if he started to cry. He could hardly judge him for that.

The sound of a can hitting the tabletop made Jake glance back up at Charlie. His lips no longer quivering but instead only slightly ajar as if he was about to say something. No sound came out of his mouth though.

Charlie then put the water in front of Jake and opened his beer. The sound of a can opening up was odd at this hour. It made this situation all the more strange.

When Jake looked at the beer Charlie was holding no judgment appeared in his eyes. Only pain.

“Did you know anything about Bella’s plan, Jacob?” Charlie hated himself for asking as the boy was clearly distressed but he had to know for sure.

“I didn’t know. I didn’t see it…” Spoke Jake almost whispering. His eyes drifted from Charlie’s face back to the letter he was holding. Now it was much more mangled up.

“I didn’t either.” Responded Charlie and took a huge sip of his beer. Unfortunately, the coldness of the drink did not mange to sooth the aching heart and head of his.

“What do we do now, Mr. Swan?” Asked Jake hopefully. It was obvious that in such situation you want an adult to help but regrettably Charlie did not feel very much like an adult right now. He was lost as to what to do.

“I don’t know. I know if I’d call it in at the station they would find her. But I don’t think that would be for the best…” Charlie surprised himself with saying those words. Any responsible father would notify the police but he knew his daughter. She was not trivial with words. If she left there clearly had to be a reason for it.

“What do you mean?! We should look for her!” Responded Jake. He clearly wanted to scream it at poor Charlie but instead it sounded more like a growl.

Charlie understood Jake’s frustration but he couldn’t say he shared it.

“But she doesn’t want us to, Jacob. You know her.” He sighed these words out and then wiped his mustache. Some snot still managed to leak out from his nose.

“She made that clear. But how can we do nothing?” Responded Jake. Both of them tired and stressed beyond belief by this situation. Jake was right. He couldn’t just do _nothing_. He had to take care of the school and Bella’s part-time job. He suspected she might’ve not given the old Betty at the bookstore any notice.

“I’ll take care of school. You take care of her friends. Does that sound like enough of action to you, Jacob?” Charlie couldn’t help being a little sarcastic. He couldn’t bring himself to care for much in this situation. He then put his head in his hands and let out the loudest sigh today. Hoping it would make Jake go away. Why did he agree to do this so early in the morning?

“Sure… You’re clearly not well Mr. Swan, I’ll leave you to… it.” Jake replied with annoyance and uncomfortableness in his voice. He then get up and went out before uttering goodbye. The bottle of water left untouched.

“Shit.” Muttered Charlie under his breath. He knew the worst was about to come.

* * *

It was almost 10 by the time Jake got back to the reservation. When he stepped inside his home and went to the kitchen his dad was already there pouring himself coffee.

“Good morning.” Said Billy when seeing Jake. As soon as he saw the state in which his son was he wanted to take those words back. He heard some commotion early today and suspected he went out to hang out with his friends or something. But now when the boy stood before him, his hair wet from the rain and his eyes sparking, he knew something was wrong.

“What happened?” Asked distressed Billy as he moved closer to Jake. Instead of any verbal reply Jake handed him a piece of paper. It was all smudged out and creased but he could clearly read everything on it. After hesitantly taking this piece of paper and looking back at his son he looked back down at what he received.

He started reading it and the first thing that went through his mind was “ _vampires_ ”. Those damn, awful bloodsuckers. Unbelievable that after five months they still found a way to influence that girl.

These were his first thoughts but then he read it again and noticed more clearly the part about this mysterious _pull_. It sounded like a a feeling wolf-shifters experience when they're away from their pack mates. It'd be strange for a vampire to be so creative. It was strange but it made this situation real. Seemed like Bella really did leave by herself. In the span of the last five month he got to know her. He saw her grow up and mature. He saw her getting over _them_. This was clearly something else but what, he couldn’t imagine. That girl was in no way a shifter. There was no way she could feel a bond like that. This just didn’t make sense.

“Um… Dad?” Jake’s voice brought Billy out of the trance he fall into. He was so focused on figuring this out that he didn’t realize Jake was calling out to him.

“I’m fine. Where did you get this from?” Billy asked Jake, obviously intrigued.

“Charlie called home and said he found it this morning.” Jake looked even sadder after uttering those words. The imagine of a distressed Charlie still vivid in his mind.

“I’ll call him.” Said Billy. He couldn’t imagine what his best friend must be going through. His only child ran away. The realization of that must’ve been catastrophic. Charlie might always appear to be stoic and unaffected but Billy knew that was not the case at all. When it came to Bella Charlie felt _a lot_. He loves her more than anything and waking up to her gone must have been tragic.

When Billy was about to reach for the phone he hesitated. Was this really a good time to call him? He asked himself. Should he give Charlie some time to process it? Billy was torn, but after imagining himself in his friend's situation he finally decided to call.

The beeping did not stop for a couple of seconds but then Charlie picked up the phone.

“Hello?” Billy could hear the tiredness in Charlie’s voice. He felt so sad for him.

“Hi Charlie. It’s Billy, should I come over?” Billy decided not to mention the letter or Bella. Charlie must’ve figured out that Billy already knew. The only thing he could do for his best friend was to offer some comfort.

“Billy? Yeah… I would really like you to come over. If you don’t mind.” Responded Charlie. He sounded comforted at the idea of Billy coming over. Billy was right then. Charlie needed a friend.

“Of course I don’t.” Said Billy. There was no way he was going to left his friend alone in this situation so he was going to be there for him.

* * *

After slight persuasion Jake agreed to drive Billy to Charlie’s. The boy clearly didn’t want to come back there so there had to be some convincing done.

Both of them tended to their own thoughts while driving to Charlie’s. Jake was having hard time believing that Bella left him without saying anything. She didn’t hinted at _anything._ The two teenagers bonded strongly after Edward and his family left and Jake really thought there ware no secrets between them. But still, Bella managed to hide something this great. When he read her letter he remembered all those instances when Bella was experiencing this _pull_. He didn’t think anything much of it then. It didn’t registered in his mind as something concerning. He was so stupid. How could he not saw it?

Billy heard a squeaking sound to his left and glanced at his son. He was squeezing the driving wheel obviously having some harsh thoughts. There was nothing Billy could do for him. This was something he had to do on his own. The only comfort he could provide was his presence.

After Jake parked in front of Charlie’s house he then went out and helped his dad out. There was no more rain, just a very cold wind. It was January after all. The only good thing today was the lack of snow. Perfect weather to run away to.

When Jake brought Billy in his wheelchair up to the porch and knocked, he then said.

“Call me when you guys are done.” A soon as he said it he run off to the car and Charlie opened the door.

“Hi Billy.” When Charlie said it all the sadness he felt came forth in his eyes. Billy was crushed. He looked miserable.

“Oh, Charlie…” After Charlie let Billy into the house and went to the living room Charlie cried more than any other time today. Billy and Charlie hugged. This comfort made Charlie cry all the more.


	2. Driving

Bella

I should thank God for this weather. If it was like the last winter I wouldn’t get far with this truck. It barely worked as if. I got lucky, really lucky. I planned this trip for a while now and one condition I set for this to actually happen was the weather. And the money. Which I surprisingly saved a lot of. Thanks to my part-time job at the old Betty’s bookstore, the only one in Forks might I add, as well as an allowance I received monthly from both Charlie and Renee. It helped matters a lot.

The road was calm, as it was just 6 a.m. when I got the engines going. It helped to sooth my racing heart. I was so stressed out when I awoke this morning. Scared of waking up Charlie and having to repeat this all over again as well as leaving my letter knowing how my dad would react. He would be crushed. After Edward we bonded, became closer than we ever were. Thanks to our mutual dislike towards the Cullens. What they did was a douche move. To that conclusion, unfortunately, I’ve came a bit too late for my own good. But it was all in the past now. What I’m doing now or when I’m headed has _probably_ nothing to do with the Cullens. At least I hope so.

After thinking some more about this _pull_ in the last couple of months, when I realized I had it, I’ve come to a conclusion that it was somehow tied to paranormal, it was not necessarily a vampire thing. In every book I’ve read, about feelings of abandonment and not belonging, none of them mentioned that such emotional state would have a _direction_. If not that particular thing I wouldn’t make anything more of it than a mental health issue. Not that would’ve been any better. Maybe then it would’ve feel more real and not like something made up.

In those first few months after Edward and his family left I didn’t give much thought to this queer feeling. I was more engrossed with feelings of sadness and betrayal, as well as unhealthy amounts of resentment. Towards _vampires_ of course. I even found myself despising Esme of all people. I cared about her like my own mother and she, as well as the others, left without saying goodbye. The only goodbye I got, and I wouldn’t even call it that, was from my ex-boyfriend. And what was a reason for them leaving? The most mindless reason he could think of. To think he was supposed to be the mature one in that relationship. _It’s because we’re vampires Bella, we’re dangerous. You’ll be safer without us_. Bullshit. If they were so dangerous why didn’t they left in the beginning? When Edward got a whiff of my scent? He said it just so he wouldn’t feel guilty.

Thanks to them I carry so much bitterness with me and I never considered myself a person to feel so strongly. I would get easily annoyed yes, but this was on a whole new level. I didn’t hate them. They didn’t earn that. I just felt offended and pathetic. Thankfully not so much anymore, but still I prefer this state of affairs than that gloomy and woeful chapter I had in the beginning.

With time and lack of Cullens, I started to see all the things I should’ve noticed at the start. That they were patronizing and pitying clumsy, shy Bella. I’m still those things, something like that doesn’t change overnight. But that didn’t warrant them to treat me like such a weakling. Like I was _merely_ human. What changed was that now I was more aware of my feelings and my worth. I deserved more, I do and now I know that what I felt toward Edward was not equal to what he felt towards me. I put him on a pedestal. Hell, at one point I even compared him to a _god_ , and he was treating me like I would shatter any minute. Our relationship was not right. But thankfully it was over and I don’t need to see them again. Ever again.

As to how I knew where I was going, that part was the trickiest. I actually didn’t know where I’ll end up or if I even find what I’m looking for but this was a quest and I cannot look back now. The only thing I knew was the direction, to be more precise, it was north. No matter where I went it was always north. Even looking at the map anywhere else but the north of my location was hard. Even with such little amount of information I decided that I could figure something out. I accounted for this trip to take me as far north as possible. Hopefully, I’ll find what I’m looking for before that.

What distracted me from my thoughts was the scenery around me. After riding through Seattle, that was as lively as ever in the early hours, I expected that I’d see more plain land, and I did. But even though one might look at it and just see fields of corn, wheat and whatnot, I saw something else. Something beyond this rustic scenery. I saw freedom and answers to my bothered heart.

With each passing mile I saw more snow around me, thanks to a bit of sun poking through the clouds, the white that covers almost everything up shined brightly. Making me feel as if I was floating through the sky. Maybe that description is a bit too poetic, but I cannot help myself. Laughing lightly to myself I realize that I’m about to cross the Canadian border. The real fun starts from there.

Crossing of the Canadian border was not as bothersome as I’d thought It would be. Apparently, Canadians are really nicer than most. Anyways, I had to tank soon afterwards. Thankfully, there was a gas station nearby. After that break at the gas station and looking over the map, hoping I’d get some vision as to where to go, I decided that I could do some more miles. It was only 2 p.m. Afterall. So after some more hours of driving, at 6:30 p.m. I arrived at the city called Abbotsford.

It was a nice, peaceful town that didn’t look much different from any other small city I’ve been to. It was rather underwhelming, really. They don’t tell you that after leaving your life behind you find yourself at _Abbotsford_. Not that I hate it. It reminded me a bit of Forks, but a bit bigger and less wet.

After acquiring a small room at the local motel for quite a cheap price, I decided to spend the rest of my day in the rented room and planning my next steps. Not that they would be any different from what I already did. I will wake up early, drive up north and stay at some other town like Abbotsford. Until I realize I might be truly insane or confirm that what I feel is real.

I had a passing thought, of calling Charlie, but it was soon dismissed by the mountains of guilt and fear I felt. Since I arrived here by myself, without any police officers chasing after me, I suspected that Charlie did as I asked him. He let me leave. And if I called him now, he might change his mind. That would be really bad.

Ever since I left, these few hours ago, my level of anxiety has lowered. When I was still at Forks the feelings of confinement and uneasiness grew with each passing day. Sometimes I would barely feel it, other times I was paralyzed by how overwhelming it was. It got better with me driving, moving towards something.

When I started to think more about this strange _pull,_ I was still quite overcome with feelings towards Cullens that I rationalized that it was them causing me this pain. That somehow they missed me so much I felt their regret and sorrow and it manifested this way. After the haze of mourning the loss of my second family - their betrayal - I cringed at the past thoughts I had. I was so lost in the despondency that I almost truly lost my mind. I didn’t know then that something else might make me lose it. The pull. This inexplicable feeling that no book spoke of. No legend, no science. It was truly one of a kind as far as I was aware. It almost made me feel special. But I was already special _that_ one time, and look how that turned out. In a broken heart. And on a journey without clear destination.

Unaware of where I’d end up in the upcoming weeks my eyelids closed, and it was as if I was dead to the world.

What awoke me the next morning were the thin, bright strings of sunlight poking through curtains of this rugged room. Even though I was sure I slid them tight, so no one would be tempted to look inside, their state was too severe to expect much coverage. It made me frown and get up to get clean. But could you really get clean when everything around you is so filthy? I was about to find out. After the dreadful shower full of tiptoeing around the bathroom, trying to not step on anything suspicious, I managed to get clean enough. To my satisfaction.

Afterwards, I needed to prepare myself for another day of strenuous driving. So some grocery shopping is warranted. A lot of energy drinks that’s for sure. Maybe even a cup of coffee somewhere? I was making my grocery list in my head as I grabbed my bag and went outside to check out.

Outside, as I was closing my doors I noticed something on the window when I looked up. Looking closer I noticed five short, parallel white lines. On instinct I put my right hand against those marks and immediately jumped back. Those marks matched my hand. They were fingernails scratch marks. My mind promptly jumped to Victoria. That one part of my past with Cullens that had yet to be solved. When nothing happened in those first moths without Edward and his family I really thought she’d left me alone. That she regained some senses. Apparently not.

But stop. What if these marks were here before? What if I just missed them yesterday when going into the room? It was pretty dark then. I might’ve not seen those. I shouldn’t be panicking like that.

I was still breathing pretty heavily and my heart was like a drum in my chest. Not yielding to reason. These feelings were just about survival, I couldn’t just quench them so easily. No matter how much I wanted to my body wouldn’t listen. In the end I sat on the unpleasant floor waiting for adrenaline to run out. I think I might’ve sat there for full five minutes having the worst panic attack ever. I felt like every sound around me disappeared and the only thing I could hear were my own breathing and blood running through my head. After those five minutes I started to regain some bearing. I started to think logically.

So, let’s just think for a second, that if, just _if_ , that was Victoria. Why didn’t she kill me when I was sleeping? She had the perfect opportunity, like the last couple of months, yet she remained gone from my life as far as I was aware. Maybe this was some sick idea of psychological torture? She wanted me to know I could die at any minute, or something like that. In that case probability of those scratch marks belonging to Victoria was decreasing. But what, or rather who, besides a vampire would live scratch marks like that on the window of the room that I was sleeping in? Probability of that somebody being a human did not seem high.

Alright, so let’s say it was a vampire. Doesn’t matter if I know them. What should I do then? I could just drive back to Forks, say it was all a huge mistake and go back to the way things were. But I couldn’t. I would go crazy if I went back and did nothing about this pull. It was harder to bear with each passing day. But would I really trade my life for better state of mind? Considering, once again, those scratch marks might’ve been random. I might be blowing this situation out of proportion.

So, should I continue or go back? I really do not want to turn back but am I really going to risk my life for this pull? As soon as I had a thought about going back I felt it again. The pull was acting up. It was the most intense it’s been since I started driving. It gripped my heart and it _pulled_. Trying to sprint from my chest towards something mysterious. It felt like walls were closing up on me, punishing me for not listening. But I was! After several months I finally yielded and this is how it’s repaying me? That doesn’t seem fair. I just want it to stop being like this, that’s why I’m here. In Abbotsford, potentially having a vampire plotting how to suck me dry.

As I was still sitting before my motel room’s door I heard a sound of someone closing the door below me. It made me get up and shake my clothes of any dirt before promptly moving to my truck, that as soon as I had it in my sight, made me relieved. The idea of choice was liberating. That I could go wherever I wanted. Be it Forks or somewhere else.

When I was in front of my truck I decided to wait with the decision. I had to still go and buy supplies for the road, in the meantime I can think it over. With that weight off of my shoulders, at least for a while, I was able to check out and drive around town looking for a grocery shop that could supply me with some much needed food.

While I was in the shop, every little sound that was a bit more louder than normal made me jump and look back, searching for anything remotely red. Red as deep as Victoria’s hair or eyes. Some people must’ve thought me crazy. I would too, I was acting like it. But, I couldn’t help being paranoid. The weather was perfect for a vampire to go out. Thick clouds were covering up the sun and a light snow was falling. The weather from yesterday apparently was a one time thing. Just enough to entice me and then put me in this situation.

Now, I had to decide what to do. I have everything ready for a day of driving. Anything but a goal. Looking over the map of Canada my eyes automatically moved up, and I really didn’t want to be looking south for some reason. Every single part of my body wanted me to continue my original purpose. But there was still this seed in my mind, whispering about the potential danger. In the end, refusal to the pull was not possible. I just had to continue, even knowing likely dangers awaiting me.

I couldn’t help but sigh as I drove outside of Abbotsford. Facing north once again. I planned to drive at least eight hours today. Whether or not my truck would comply made me feel like I was playing Russian roulette. With my car malfunctioning in the middle of a freaking tundra or whatever I would be screwed. I didn’t want that to happened, that’s why I looked at the engine regularly and never drove faster than I knew my truck could take. I was cautious. It had to count for something. If I was smart and resourceful nothing unfortunate should happen, right?

Sadly, that would apply to everyone who didn’t have a rocky past with vampires, except me. But even then I couldn’t go against this one thing that made me lose all my rationale.

Driving today, on January 11th to be exact, was very stressful and made me sweat as if I ran five miles. Having all the other cars around me made me less afraid, knowing that no vampire would try to do anything while I was driving with all of these other people around.

As, I was driving, more comfortably after some hours, I noticed the weather change. Some sun started to poke through the clouds. While I saw it I remembered the rugged curtains of the motel room I left today. With that the image of the scratch marks resurfaced. Then a question popped in my mind. Was I really sleeping so heavily that I didn’t hear the scratching happening? I always thought of myself as a light sleeper. That thought made me suspect that these scratch marks were not left by someone after me. Even with that, I should remember possibility of that still being present.

After some tiring driving I decided that I am done for today. The next town I saw was called Watson Lake and I really liked it. Even when I couldn’t see much in the already dark surroundings. For a moment I considered a motel like before but when driving and looking for one I noticed homey looking inn. I had a thought then that maybe staying in an inn, when there is usually a lot of people might not be a bad idea. The possibility of being killed at some shrubby motel seemed more likely. Spending some more money on safety wasn’t a dumb decision.

As soon as I finished the awkward conversation with the receptionist I was able to go into my room. It was a warmly colored room with a painting, a plastic plant and even a TV. I decided that I’ll watch some TV and try to relax. When I switched to a news channel I became anxious. What if there were some reported “animal killings” happening or something? I would become very scared then. Thankfully, the news were not different from anything usual. It put me at ease immediately.

Laying in bed that did not have a suspicious smell was amazing. That night I didn’t need to worry about anything, except getting a healthy dose of sleep.

The moment I woke up my heart was heavy in my chest. I promptly inspected the area around me, looking for anything suspicious but nothing seemed out of the ordinary. It made me sigh of relief. I quickly took a shower and dressed up. I ate my pre-made sandwich in silence as I thought about my next steps.

It was apparent that I felt reprieve from the pull since I started this strange trip. Yet, I still felt at loss because I didn’t know if I was getting anywhere closer or anywhere at all. Everything that I feel could be a trick of my mind. A sick joke that I unconsciously made on myself. It felt real, though. So very real that It was hard to even think about the possibility of this pull being false.

After eating my sandwich I decided to take look at the map. I was currently at Watson Lake that is positioned around middle of Canada, nearing west. I already moved so far from home. It’s hard to think about. Looking over the route that I took I could clearly see that I was moving towards Alaska, I think. If that was indeed the case it would be unfortunate. I’m not sure I’m suited and packed for the Alaskan weather. Either way, I went too far to turn back now. Even if every rational part in me screamed that this was not the smartest idea from the beginning, my heart still managed not to surrender to reason.

At the reception I checked out and went back on the road, but before that I needed to gas. While paying for it I checked how much money I still had. It was enough to last for some time. I was surprised when I was planning this trip by how much I actually saved. It was little over a thousand dollars. Apparently part-time job at a bookstore and one hundred dollars from each parent a month was a profitable situation. Thanks to that, money was not a problem, for the time being.

When I was driving I noticed that it was darker than yesterday, even though it was still kind of early. It made me nervous. I should’ve checked weather prognosis for today while I watched the TV. After an hour or so it started snowing. It was a heavy and sticky kind of snow. The type that I remembered likening playing with. Because of that it was harder for me to see the road and even with a heavy jacket on I felt chilly.

Surprisingly, when I was getting closer to eight hours of driving, with multiple breaks in between, the thunderstorm began while the snow was still falling. There was a roaring sound everywhere around me. As if gods where playing with rocks. This weather amazed me because I heard it was rare for this to actually happen. I believe it was called thundersnow or something like that. It was as beautiful as it was intimidating. _The white snowflakes were coming down fast, blizzard fast, the snow a superwhite blur against all that blackness._ It made me feel weak and mortal, knowing that something, someone much stronger and greater was out there. It reminded me of _them_. It didn’t matter if I wanted to appreciate the weather more, it was time for me to stop. At another town up north of Canada called Whitehorn. It was a nice place, not that different from any city really. The only thing that made this town different in my eyes was the thundersnow raging above me, menacingly watching my every move. As if prophesizing something tremendous, or of great importance. The sense of dread was strong.

My head buzzed from the shriek of the thunder. Every time there was a thunderclap my heart got closer to my throat. Making me choke on my own thoughts and feelings. It felt as if it was feeling me to the brim. The power that the thundersnow brought was unmistakable.

Driving into Whitehorn was a strange experience. Even in the thick snow, contrasting with the blackness of the sky I could still see pretty clearly the silhouettes of buildings surrounding me. There were no people though. It made the city feel like a ghost town. I felt chills creeping up my spine.

Having spent all of the food I bought early today I needed to buy something else to eat, some night snack and provision for tomorrow. I parked near the small grocery store that had a bright sign that said they’re open 24 hours slightly crooked. It looked shabby. But it would do.

When going into the store a strong scent hit me. It was that of a alcohol and tobacco. The owner or the store clerk apparently did not care about whether or not it would scare of the customers. At the counter was a girl around my age dressed in clothes that had probably seen better days. But even though her appearance was unappealing she had a welcoming smile.

“Would that be all for you, miss?” Her calling me “miss” surprised me but it was said so sweetly that I couldn’t bring it in myself to care.

“Yes, that’s be all.” I said quietly as I was quite tired from today’s journey. When I paid and was gathering the things I bought an awkward silence befall over us. It was soon destroyed by the girl at the counter.

“Are you perhaps passing through town? Because just when you went in I saw a strange fellow like you passing by. I was wondering if you knew him?” Even though the question she asked me was unexpected I decided it was polite to answer.

“Yes, I am. Just me.” The girl apparently was very talkative because she continued talking to me.

“Oh, I see. The strange fellow I mentioned before was very pretty, with dark and shining skin and strangely bright eyes for someone with such complexion. I just thought he looked very cute…” She blushed as she said it. The description of a dark-skinned man with shinning eyes somehow made me uneasy so I asked her if she could describe him more.

“Well, I’m not surprised you’re asking! That man was a vision. Almost too perfect if you’d asked me. He had dreads, which are not normally my style but with that face I wouldn’t care about anything else! He was just passing through the window so I saw him just for a second but he moved so gracefully that I couldn’t take my eyes off of him! And when he looked at me, thanks to fate I’m sure, I swear his eyes were shining hue of burgundy, perhaps? The street light didn’t do him justice!” At the beginning of her thorough description, the image of the man she saw started to become clearer in my mind. At first I had my suspicions but at the mention of burgundy eyes I became certain. There was a vampire in town. Walking around the store that I soon came into. This was no accident.

I didn’t hear that store girl yelling after me as I run out of the store. As I was racing to my car, as quickly as humanly possible, my heart was hammering in my chest. The fear more profound that any other time I felt it. Panic was encompassing my mind and my hands shook. Constantly repeating the word _vampire_ in my head, unable to think about anything else but escaping.

Near my truck, as I was just about to reach for the handle, I felt caressing hands moving like a snake through my middle and my head. It was not as harsh and rough as I imagined being killed by a vampire would be like. Instead I felt swooped up and moved at an inhuman speed towards my certain downfall. The speed was so great that the gentle touch of a marble, cold hands and silky hair touching my face, as well as an almost animal like panic were the last things on my mind as I succumbed to the darkness of unconsciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really liked The Miseducation of Cameron Post by Emily M. Danforth.


	3. Fatality

Bella

I was awoken by an ear-splitting roar of thunder as well as a blanket of snow thinly covering my body, which made me cold to my bones. My senses were dimmed and I felt like I was deep underwater. I couldn’t make my body move as I wished and my eyes were slowly closing with each second passing. Laying on a strangely comfortable, but rustling floor. Above me, as another thunder struck lightening up the sky for a moment, I saw distorted image of thin skeleton trees. Bare because of the season. That view made me feel as if I was watching a horror. Confided to my place, unable to tear my eyes away. Heart hammering in my chest, running from something infallible.

Then, to my right, I heard a whisper of the leaves. It made me remember the store and the hands that grabbed me. Petrified I willed my body to listen and with that I somehow managed to sit, instead of lay hopelessly.

I tried to look around me but as the thunders quieted down there was no light helping me see. This time the rustling was to my left and I slowly turned to the direction of the sound. There stood a shadow of astonishing volume. I could make out a silhouette only because there was a snow covering its shoulders and head. My heart was pounding rapidly, a great contrast to the stillness of my body. Paralyzed from fear.

“Just as I remember. Your scent as mouth-watering as ever.” The voice of a man I knew moved closer to me and as it did the thunder struck again, illuminating the handsome and dangerous face of a vampire named Laurent. One I remember in great detail. Even as he moved closer to me my body did not move an inch. Immobilized in an instinctual fear of a vampire, the feeling I never experienced with any of the Cullens.

When he was so close to me, that If I wanted I could reach my hand to touch him, he crouched right in front of me. I was breathing quickly, eyes the size of the moon. My mist-like breath was reaching his face but his expression did not portray any discomfort, just a quiet glee. His hand reached for my chin and held it firmly, making me face him front on. The discomfort and fear raised in volume.

“Laurent…” I whispered silently, almost in reverence, but the only thing that I wanted him to understand was that I was begging for my life.

“Oh! So you remember my name. I am honored.” His voice was smooth as silk and with an accent I couldn’t pinpoint. Even when I sensed no threat in it, just a genuine feeling, I knew that was all for show. Designed to make me relaxed.

“You’re probably wondering what I’m doing here. Would you like to know?” The calmness and patience in his voice did not dissipate. And the tone he used did not convey whether or not he wanted me to answer. The only response he got form me was a slight nod of my head. It seemed to satisfy him because he removed his hand from my chin and stood up as if he was standing all along. He moved as quickly as the lightning above us.

“Well, since you seem so eager to know I won’t bother you with details. I am here per Victoria’s request.” The calm and slightly mischievous tone of his voice in which he said those words did not calm the panic I felt at the sound of _her_ name.

“She wanted me to check whether or not you were still affiliated with Cullens. It seems like you’re not.” He was still talking but Victoria and her vengeful expression would not leave my mind upon hearing her name. The bloodlust she felt, I could feel even now.

After I registered what Laurent had said I wondered why was she curious about that. She had to had her motives, ones I probably wouldn’t ever understand.

If I was still not over the Cullens I’d probably say something like _“Edward will know if you hurt me”_ or _“he will come after you”._ Or something equally silly and naïve. But I knew now that things do not work like that. There was a killer in front of me, with motives that wouldn’t be swayed.

“No response to that? I can’t say I’m surprised, you do seem slightly shocked. But let’s hope you’ll be better after I’ll give you this… gift.” As he said it he started to move closer. At the word gift I grew wary and confused, as well as alarmed.

“W- What gift?” Somehow I managed to say it while still shaking like a leaf. It was said so quietly it barely reached my own ears, but he was a vampire so I was sure he heard me.

“Mmh… Well, at first I wanted to drink you up, because you have such an alluring scent it’s hard to resist, but then I had an idea! You see, I am not a big fan of Victoria, we have that in common I suppose, so why not distort her plans a little? You’ll get something out of it and I’ll spite Victoria.” He resumed moving closer, now crouching. I had to do something.

“What gift?!” But the only thing I managed to do was to repeat my question, this time yelling. Feeling sick and weak I couldn’t think of anything else to do. The frown that I could barely notice on his face did not made me feel positive.

“You are quite inquisitive, but I suppose I haven’t answered clearly enough. What I meant was that I’ll make you a vampire.” My mind went blank at his words. This was not something I expected at all. And he continued talking but I listened only halfheartedly. “That way Victoria will have more trouble killing you and I’ll enjoy her vexation. We will both gain something.” His reasoning did not make any sense in my mind.

“Not many know but I have great self-control, so thankfully I’ll even get to taste some of your exquisite blood.” His hands so gentle, yet firm as stone, went to touch my shoulders. He squeezed them a bit as if he wanted to comfort me but that only made me sick to my stomach. I felt ill at his charade. Wolf in a sheep’s clothing that all he was. His head was moving closer to my neck and all I could do was stay still. Entranced by my fear and the thundersnow raging above, I thought back to the times when this was something I desired.

The only reason why I’ve ever wanted to become a vampire was that so I could’ve been with Edward forever, but since he and his family were gone so was that reason. _I don’t need to become a vampire, I don’t think I want to._ The suffering and torture of change was not something I wanted to experience in exchange of eternal life. I didn’t want to abandoned my human life. Losing my parents, Jacob and friends was not worth it. But looking at determined face of Laurent, as he bared his shining teeth, I knew this was not a choice I could make. It was already made for me.

The second I felt cold fangs touching my neck I spasmed but Laurent was quick. He embraced me like a lover would, so strongly I knew if this continued something in me would surely break. There was no break between his teeth touching my skin and the pain that followed. I screamed and trashed feeling the unwelcomed intrusion.

Then I heard something else aside from my cries. I heard a crunch, like a twig breaking. I think those were my bones crumbling apart. It was wondrous that the pain of them shattering was so insignificant compared to the pain that originated from my neck and travelled all across my body. It was so much greater than what I felt from James’ bite, and to think I knew what true pain meant after that encounter. I was so ignorant.

I felt life being literally drained form me by Laurent. He spoke of his self-control but what I’m experiencing now does not feel like it.

I felt as if the pain was increasing with every moment and with that the strength of my screams was withering. My bones kept on breaking, unable to withstand the superb strength of a vampire. My eyes were looking up to the sky but I was incapable of seeing clearly due to thick tears that were obstructing my vision. The only thing I could see was a bright silhouette of a lightning striking above us.

My pain continued as I felt the pressure around me disappear. I tried to trash and squirm on the forest floor but there was no strength in my body as well no ability to do so, with my bones broken by Laurent in his bloodlust frenzy.

“I’ve done what I intended. Now then, farewell.” I think I heard Laurent speak but I was unsure. With the way my body was trapped, locked in never-ending pain it was hard to focus on anything except myself. I felt like I was falling into the depths of hell because of the feeling like my body was on fire. I’m sure there was no nerve and no cell of mine that did not experience this torture.

With my body restricted and my mind overwhelmed with agony I did not feel the passage of time, it felt like this would never stop. It felt as if this pain was with me from the beginning and had no end. Like there was nothing I could do except be tortured forever, unable to form one coherent thought.

Even if I was incapable of thinking clearly, surprisingly I was still able to feel an array of emotions. I’m sure I was under immense fear of death. As far as I knew I could die before completion of this change. Because of that, sense of fatality overtook me. Pure fatality. The realization of my own mortality and how fragile my life is. Or rather _was_ soon.

Remembering the lighting from before, that still struck above me unperturbed, I felt inconsequential. Marely a speck of dust in the eyes of an immortal beings such as vampires. One of which I might become soon, after this bath of fire ceases. That thought filled me up with revulsion towards myself. Towards what I will become.

I saw the thundersnow end and a new day begin. When the sun was above me I was still in immense pain and I felt my bones being pulled back into their original shape. I did not regain the ability to move as I was still in immense amount of pain though. The pain did not lessen. The torture did not become merciful. And with that my madness continued.

I was shocked I did not loose consciousness nor fallen asleep due to exhaustion. It would be better if I did. Even death would be benevolent and I would welcome it warmly. Yet, it was not to be.

My eyes were once closed, once opened. Because the brightness of the sun felt humiliating. It illuminated a victim of circumstance that could do nothing to stop this from happening. Weakling only because of nature. That would be me. A body most likely twisted bizarrely and covered in grime and dried blood.

From the corner of my eye I saw an animal but was not able to distinguish what it might’ve been. Maybe a predator that would give me a merciful death? After it came closer to me probably to get a scent whether I’m alive or not, it run away faster than my eyes perceived. Maybe it smelled Laurent or the predator awakening inside me, slowly coming to the surface?

The sun above me slowly perished and together, with the rising moon, my heartbeat was slowing down. The pain did not lose its intensity but I could feel my bones and my body rapidly healing. Yet, I was still trapped.

As the moon was slowly creeping across the sky I remembered the words of Carlisle Cullen about what it meant to become a vampire. It meant that time for you stopped, and however you were, whatever you felt before or right when the change happens, is forever with you, increased in volume. For all eternity. The pain, sorrow, happiness and regret. It all stays unchanged, the same way your body will.

When I first heard him say that I thought about the myth of Medusa and her eyes that turned people to stone. It was a beautiful imaginary, that unfortunately lacked the reality of pain.

As the moon was coming closer to the spot above me, I felt regret over not doing so many things with my parents and Jake. Over not being able to go to collage and experience life as it should be experienced. Over not reading so many books. I felt regret over many things. I also felt repulsion towards the Cullens and their kin. The bitterness I felt towards them before turned into anger. I felt disgusted by vampires and their nature. Yet, no matter how strongly I felt the anger and repulsion, the most overpowering emotion was regret. That lack of satisfaction, emptiness that reaches your heart through your stomach.

I felt regret as I looked into the eyes of Medusa.

* * *

When I opened my eyes I felt dread. It was noon and the sun was at its highest. My eyes immediately closed due to its intensity. And then I could only think.

I’ve became a vampire. The creature of the night. The greatest predator. A bloodsucker. I was all of those things because another vampire had a whim. My feelings and my protests were disregarded, just like a barking of an annoying dog. Inconsequential. But now I was not a dog. I was its master. Yet, only in theory. In reality fear still had a grasp on my heart. It was no simple fear. The fear I felt now was that of existential nature. What do I do know, since I’m a vampire now? Should I just lay here and starve? Should I go and kill some humans? None of those were the answer that would satisfy me now. I don’t think anything ever would. In this never-ending existence.

I don’t know how long I was laying on this forest floor, feeling burning fire in my throat that I heard of before. It was nothing compared to what I felt when changing, yet I was unable to ignore it. Since I am a newborn, as I heard new vampires were called, my thirst should be the first thing on my mind but for me it just felt really, _really_ annoying. It was insisting, an itch that can’t be scratched. It could though. With blood.

At that thought I instinctually took a deep breath and I smelled _everything_. The scent of fresh snow covering me thinly, the scent of trees surrounding me as if I was in a cage, the scent of animals still jumping around that did not hibernate and the stench of Laurent and my human blood. In which I was laying. It was _so_ strong.

I sat up and opened my eyes to my surroundings. I instantly felt overwhelmed. Everything had so much depth, color and shine. It was all so sharp. Wherever I looked I swear it could’ve been a painting. To think the world was so beautiful, or was this new eyesight doing this trick? I could not answer that, and I don’t think it would matter, since this was how I viewed reality now. There was no changing me back. That realization felt like hammer to my chest, I gasped even if I didn’t need to breath anymore. I can’t go back to see my family, I cannot interact with people anymore. I was all on my own. I couldn’t rely on any vampire either. Not as if I wanted to. I felt alone.

But that feeling did not last for very long because I smelled something new. Sweet scent of a human. Of that I was sure. I stood up so fast, it took me aback a little but with a new breath of wind the smell grew stronger and stronger. I had no idea how far Laurent had taken me, it must’ve been not that far since I smelled a person in this dense forest. No sane human would go out on a hike in this weather, so there had to be a place where someone lived. Or something like that.

I started moving towards that smell, I could not stop it, the legendary thirst was as strong as every Cullen described. It pained my throat, as if I had no water in weeks. As if someone placed scorching lava inside me. It was overwhelming, screaming at me to yield to the carnal desire. But even if I felt it so strongly I did not rush in the direction of the source of this smell. I was still aware that I was moving towards killing a human being. One that I used to be not so far back. There was something inside me stopping me from loosing my senses. It was strange because I was not mindless, not a slave to the thirst as I heard this newborn state was described. It felt like a veil was covering this instinct of a predator, but it was slowly slipping. Making me aware that I had to feed if I wished to not kill anyone. So I rushed in the direction of another heartbeat near me. This time I was a rocket, I submitted to the craving. Letting it take over while still having a clear prey in my mind. A rather large animal.

I did not care if it was an endangered species, or whether it was male or female, or if it had children. The only thing that mattered to me was its blood. As I was nearing closer and closer to my prey, I noticed that it might’ve been a deer. A magnificent creature that I intended to slaughter for my own satisfaction. It pained me a great deal. Even if I was a vampire now, my morality has no dissipated, I did not want to be a killer. But because of that I had to substitute a human with an animal. There was no way around it. Something had to die to keep me going. And it was such a cruel death.

Nobody thought me hunting, I’ve never learned how to kill mercifully, quickly. But now something inside me knew how to kill. Where to aim my teeth that I could feel were now covered in venom.

The animal had no chance to run away or to dodge, I was just that fast as I grabbed it, crashed its bones because I could not contain my newfound strength, and _bit_. The fur covering its skin was coarse but against my marble skin it did not matter. The only thing of importance was the blood gushing into my mouth at high speed. The pressure was just that great. I lapped at the blood and sucked it like a leech would. Just less delicately but as forceful. I couldn’t help not getting everything from this animal, it was my first time doing so after all. It was bound to get messy. The creature struggled and whined as I drank but I did not find it in myself to care, surprisingly.

After it stopped struggling and there was no more blood for me to drink I dropped the carcass on the forest floor. The thud as the body hit the ground, as well as the rustling of the leaves, sounded musical to my new hearing. Yet, the image before me did not match the pretty sound of rustling I heard. I looked at the dead body, only half satisfied with what I got from it, but immensely thankful that I was able to soothe the thirst, for at least a while.

The dead body of the animal before me could’ve been the human I smelled earlier. This could’ve been a woman, a man, _a child_. It could’ve been anyone if I had not stopped myself.

I fell to my knees defeated. This is all because of Laurent’s whim, all because I listened to that _pull_. The pull that I felt even now.

I focused on it, since I forgot about it ever since I woke up. But it was still clearly there. Still latched onto my heart. Yet, it was not as intense as I felt it while still being a human. _But it was still evidently there._ I still had something from being a human. It brought a small smile to my face.

I could not blame this feeling and what it made me do for Laurent’s actions. He would’ve came for me sooner or later. But thanks to this feeling it happened far away from my home. I should be grateful for that.

As the cold wind of northern Canada was blowing all around me I looked at my appearance. It was a gruesome sight. If I were still human it would’ve made me sick. But since I was a vampire now I was strangely detached upon seeing the way I looked. My clothes were mangled up, my jacket and my pants torn in several places. I was covered in still fresh blood that seemed to be steaming. What have I become?

On my knees I looked up and saw the sun setting. It must’ve been a while since I woke up like this. I did not feel exhausted, my body felt amazing. I felt strong, like I could do anything. Expect become human again.

I did not want to brood, I swore I will never do it again, but it was hard to feel something other than despair when you were changed into a bloodsucking monster against your will. Thankfully I knew something about vampires previous to this change so I was at an advantage. I had somewhat of an idea of what to expect. But knowing something and experiencing it firsthand was immensely different.

As the sun set I focused on the pull. It was still there calling me, as far as I could tell, in the same direction. Unyielding feeling set upon my heart as I got to my feet. I had a goal when I started this journey and being turned into a vampire changed everything except that. I had to conclude this journey somehow. Everything I went through had to mean something. _This cannot be for nothing._

I had to leave my car, I lost the keys somewhere along the way when Laurent took me. I had to leave my precious truck. Almost a symbol of leaving my human life behind me. But it was not like I would never see my dad again, maybe in the future I’ll glace at him through a window, without him noticing me. There was no way for me to explain it, no way of having him and others as a steady feature in my life. But I had some time to think about it. For them nothing happened to me. And I would hate to give them any reason to worry.

I felt anxious as I moved in the north direction. My feet, although now heavy, moved as if I was gliding across the clouds. The snow covering the ground, immaculate, made me feel like I was floating.

The sky above me was clear, with the moon illuminating my path.


	4. Realizations

Bella

I was running fast, but cautiously. I didn’t want to come close to any town or a person and risk loosing control over my new instincts. _I had to be careful._

My speed was so great that I was surprised I did not make that much sound. You would think that if something, or somebody in this case, was running at a high velocity you’d hear it. But no. My steps were quiet, although not soundless. It baffled me how effortlessly I was able to move. Things really were different now. So much have changed in such a short amount of time. If I were still a human I wonder if I would cope with a change as drastic as this one in a similar manner. Probably not. Because of Laurent’s venom something fundamental in me has changed, yet I was a vampire now and with that I am forever petrified. Stone-like creature, unnaturally nimble, unable to change. But does it mean I lack humanity? I think it’s too soon to answer that.

It’s been a while since I started running. The sun has started to rise couple of hours ago and it seemed like the weather would be nice today. Cheerful. Hardly befitting my mood. But maybe it would lift me up.

While I was running I stopped at a clearing and laid down on soft snow bedding. I was not tired but I felt as I _should_ be. It was a strange feeling. And it was a nice clearing. Weirdly reminiscent of that _meadow_. I got nauseous at the thought of it, but it’s not like I can actually vomit in my current state. So it was fine.

Laying there and thinking made me feel free because… well, I could do pretty much everything now, right? I could go anywhere I want, I could do it _all_ , but only if I had resources. Like Cullens did. I had nothing of value on me, the only way for me to get money was by theft or intimidation and I didn’t like either of those options. My ID was another matter. It says I have brown eyes and that has drastically changed. No way I could go an airplane without rising suspicions. There were other factors as to why I couldn’t do that beyond something so simple. I couldn’t go into crowds for example, at least for now.

The sun was climbing the sky and managed to peak through some of the clouds. When I felt the sunrays on me I looked at my body. I had several holes in my jeans, and my jacket was no better, so my skin was out. Looking at those patches of naked skin I noticed that the light made me sparkle. It sounds so ridiculous but that’s literally what it is. I’m sparkling like a freaking disco ball. It made me laugh out loud. A vampire is supposed to be the pinnacle of predators and I _sparkled_. Nature was truly a joker.

I wonder why I thought it looked pretty back in the day. Maybe because I was _in love_ and that emotional state twisted my perception somehow, or maybe it was the natural charisma of a vampire? Maybe bit of both.

My calm state was abruptly interrupted by scorching thirst. It was so unexpected I touched my neck, feeling for any damage. But there was none. I grimaced. Being a newborn was something I had to go through, unfortunately. Thankfully though, I was positively surprised by how much control I had over my own actions. I felt nothing like Jasper or Carlisle have ever described. Why? Maybe it has to do with why Edward was never able to read me. Because I have that _shield_. It might’ve transferred to my vampire state as a gift, or something like that. Without any gifted vampire around me I had no way of testing if it’s true or not. For now, I can pretend like I do have some sort of gift that is helping me tame the thirst because I don’t think it’s my own sheer will doing that.

But if that gift, I supposedly have, works on my vampire instincts then does it work on the pull as well? It’s a fact that I feel it less strongly, it does not make me anxious or panicking, so far at least. It’s still insistent though. If my “gift” works on that pull does it mean it’s an effect of some other vampire? That thought made me shiver. It could mean that at the end of this pull is not something, but _somebody_. But why does it work on _me_? The only way to find out is probably to follow it, like I’ve done so far. But even though I was driven to finish this chase the thought of finding out what’s at the end of it made me afraid. It was an unknown and those things are always the scariest.

But I shall ponder no further. I had to feed. That thought filled me with strange excitement, a want to chase. To kill. I was a bit shaken by that but it was not shocking enough to make me forget my purpose. Anything different in me now is not something susceptible to change. I had to accept that.

With sun still sneaking behind the clouds I began to run towards the closest smell of an animal. I let my instincts run wild, while still trying to have some control. It didn’t take long to find my prey in my eyesight. It was slightly bended and drinking water so I pounced and the unsuspecting deer was no more. This time I tried to be quick, so I grabbed its neck and squeezed. I heard a crunch and the animal was limp in my embrace. And I drank, but tried not to lap at the blood like I was desperate. There was plenty of blood, I could take my time. So I did.

I remember cutting myself numerous times by accident, and licking the wound on instinct. I remember the metallic taste of my own blood and wonder why this blood I’m tasting right now has such a different taste. It was warm and enveloped my throat gently. The taste was not very evident at first but after a while I could describe it some more. It was strange, both savory and sweet. An addictive combination. It had a heavy quality to it, it was nothing like the blood you see after a shallow cut. It was thick but I had no problem swallowing it. Maybe the venom thinned the blood? I wonder.

After there was nothing else to drink from the poor deer, I laid it gently near the stream. It’s eyes were wide open, conveying shock. It had no time to feel pain. Just the nearing death.

I looked at the body for a while, since I didn’t do it with my first kill I felt I owned it to this one. It would be cruel of me to just go away and not appreciate what it did for me. And not regret what I did to it. When I was still human I didn’t think much while eating all sorts of meat, it was just the way it was. But now, looking at the animal before me I felt gratitude and a odd sense of calmness. Full on the blood of this deer the veil over my mind was lifting, allowing me to regain my senses. My rationality. I looked at the stream.

It was a small stream, hardly a river. It was about two meters in width and it flew leisurely. Not rushing anywhere. I looked back at myself and frowned. It was time for a bath.

I felt bit self-conscious taking all of my clothes of and standing in the middle of the forest naked but it’s not like anyone would watch me. Even though I knew that it was still weird. Putting my clothes far away from the dead deer I steeped in the water. It did not feel cold at all and the power of the stream did not budge me an inch. I was like one of those many rock the bottom of this brook. Unmovable.

I laid down in the water and let my back touch the rock bottom. It was slightly uncomfortable but nothing like it would feel if I were still human. I submerged completely and opened my eyes. On the outside the water looked fast so the surface of the water was disrupt. Seeing the water now, below the surface, it was as if the water was not moving at all. I felt safe.

After I got up from my “bath” I decided to at least try to clean my clothes a little. The jeans and the jacket still had vaguely red spots but my sweater and undershirt were still in a nice condition. My shoes on the other hand were a mess. My body might’ve not felt the repercussions of a long run but my shoes sure did. They could not be saved. I had to continue shoeless. Not like it affected me in any way.

Dressed in everything I had on previously except my shoes I decided to continue but before I do that I had to threw my shoes somewhere else. After that my journey resumed.

It was truly wonderous that I did not smell even one person on my path. The forests of Canada had to be really big. And they were really rich in the fauna. I spotted many animals but they always ran away from me, not letting me admire them some more.

The sun was setting as I was running leisurely, but still faster than any human could. I always enjoyed nature and forests, even when the memory of them was tainted by a destructive love, so I wanted to bask in the smells and views as much as I could.

My run was interrupted by an unusual sight. There was a space without any trace of trees in front of me. It looked like a road by I couldn’t smell any human around it. When I got closer this “road” stretched across and beyond. It was strange but I think I heard about it somewhere. It was a border between Canada and Alaska. I was so far away already. If it was still possible my head would most definitely hurt. It was quite amazing that I went such a far distance only on my own two feet. But it was not the end yet, the pull tells me that I should continue on. So I shall.

* * *

Nothing exceptional had happened when my feet crossed the supposed border. So I continued as before. The moon was peaking and my feet were speeding. And then a strange sense of anxiety filled my chest, like I should rush somewhere. Like I was getting _closer_. I would be a sweaty mess if I could sweat.

I did smell humans a couple of times on my way here but each time I was able to fight off the temptation. I felt like there was something more serious for me to do first.

There was a mountain before me, an imposing image. But for a vampire it was not an obstacle. Merely another step. This time my footsteps were the loudest since my change. Like a rock hitting rock. Like a thunder still so fresh in my memory. I could see it so vividly if I focused. I didn’t want to though. Maybe if someone hears it they’d think a storm is coming. That thought made me try to take gentler steps. It help only a little.

After I reached a slightly flatter surface I resumed my jog. The moonlight really brought forward the beauty of the snow that was covering the trees and the ground. It looked like a scene from a fairy tale. So mesmerizing.

Then I smelt something. A eccentric set or aromas and heard a melodic laughter. Instead of running away I ran towards the source of those sensations. I knew they were not human, they were vampires and I was sure of it. The smell was all different. A mix between something sweet and fresh, like a ripe fruit. Wholly unpalatable to my new senses. But still weirdly enticing.

As I was nearing closer, but was still unable to see anything through these dense woods, the sounds stopped and I with it. I didn’t knew what to do, like a deer caught in the headlights, I stood there unmoving. And I was waiting for something to happen. Then I heard strained words instead of laughter from before.

“Irina, Kate. Would you?” These words were lacking the amusement from before. It filled me with fear and uneasiness. What if these vampires were not exactly friendly? I didn’t want to end up as a kindling in their fireplace.

Before I could move forward or backward I heard running noises. They were moving _fast_. Much faster than I moved throughout this whole journey. If I were to run, I don’t think I would get very far. I couldn’t do anything but await those people’s arrival.

Thankfully, _or not_ , I didn’t have to wait for long. Soon, two figures entered my vision. Their complexion and hair color was almost akin to that of the snow around us. These two women appeared as if carved out of the whitest marble. The liquid gold of their eyes a striking contrast.

I saw two statues filled with life. Did I look like that now?

What disturbed my admiration of those two stunning women were the words spoken by the vampire with a bun and sharp features. Why couldn’t it be the nicer looking one?

“You’ve crossed our coven’s border. State your business.” Short and to the point. Very impersonal. It doesn’t promise hospitality.

“Um… I’m looking for something?” Damn Bella. You and your astonishing eloquence. Apparently becoming a vampire doesn’t help with your intelligence.

The couple before me looked at each other clearly confused. I would be too. Afterall my answer did not satisfy me either.

“Looking for what?” This time it was the nicer looking one that ask me a question. She was a tad bit shorter than the one with a bun but her presence was much more stronger. It made her looked big and imposing in my eyes.

“I’m not sure. I just felt like there should be something _here_.” I tried to convey what brought me, with unhidden frustration in my voice, but I was never good at expressing myself. Thankfully the ladies before me apparently understood me at some level, or thought they did by the way their eyes grew bigger and sparkled. They seemed excited by something I said. It creeped me out a bit.

“Irina, do you think?” The shorter of the two asked the one with a bun this question. Almost out of breath with a hint of a smile. The person named Irina nodded. Her expression was reserved and because of that the only one who I could read the emotions of off was the one that ask that question. I felt unnerved by their enthusiasm but I guess it’s better than hostility.

“Would you like to come meet our coven? By the way my name’s Kate.” She was much more friendlier than in the beginning of this strange meeting. Much friendlier than one should be towards a stranger in my opinion. Her posture relaxed and mischievous glint appeared in her eyes. Irina, the person standing beside her, had much more of a neutral approach. I kind of liked her because of that. But back to the question Kate asked. I’ve come so far and didn’t back down because I felt like I was getting close. Perhaps if I come with them I’ll get some answers. Hopefully.

“Sure, I guess.” My voice as quiet as ever but speaking like that to vampires was never a problem.

Kate gestured to follow them and so I did. We started running towards somewhere, perhaps their house, much slower than I suspected they were capable of. So maybe they’re really nice if they’re so considering.

Soon a big, modern looking house appeared before my eyes. Brightly colored with a hint of dark wood here and there and thankfully not as transparent as the last vampire house I’ve got to see. This one looked much warmer.

These two didn’t share another word as they led me into their house and I could hear there was not much noise coming from the inside so I was quite surprised to see three people there. Sitting comfortably on their couches.

As I stepped in those three vampires previously sitting appeared before me and I was not able to survey the couple standing close to one another as I locked eyes with a woman looking like Irina and Kate. But she was also so unlike them at the same time.

Her golden hair was wavy, looking almost artificial, and reached her biceps. She had very strong features that made her overall gentle posture quite striking. The tone of her eyes was light, almost blending in with the color of her hair. Her lips the red of a ripe peach. When I got her scent I thought I’d fall to my knees it was so overwhelming. She smelled of everything I loved. Of rain, fresh air and the sun of Arizona. She smelt like a home I dreamed of and everything beyond. She was the one. My goal, my purpose and… I think my _mate._

I sharply inhaled as the realization hit me.

The irresistible pull I felt ceased to exist as I fell into her arms. I did it without thinking, impulsively. But as I felt her small body in my arms, the hair touching my face and small sobs coming from the woman I was holding I knew it was right. _This was right._

I hugged her closer and buried my face in her soft hair. I didn’t know this woman. She was a complete stranger and yet I did not feel awkward or disconnected. She was my mate and because of that our bond was stronger than all those obstacles. _So this is how it’s supposed to feel._

I felt her tighten her hold on me and burring her head in my hair as I did earlier. I don’t know how she was able to do that, I was not the image of cleanliness after all. It did feel good nonetheless. I felt her breath in my scent so I did the same. It was like a drug. _I could stay like that forever_.

This embrace was becoming much more dynamic than I thought it’d be. Our hands stared to caress each other. I was gently moving my hands across her back and feeling the defined muscle underneath her clothing. She, having her arms around my neck, started to play with my hair and massage my scalp. I felt the temperature rise. I did feel the need to be closer to her but it was not driving me up the wall. It was strong, I admit that, but as with my thirst, manageable. I suspected I should feel _aroused_ with the gentle touches and maybe if it continued I would but this was not a time for that. With that I tenderly tried to detach myself from her but my arms still stayed on her. I didn’t want to stop touching her but I felt some clarification was needed. As I was able to look into her eyes I noticed she was few inches shorter than me. It was cute.

There were some tears in her eyes that looked like crystals I saw couple of times at the jeweler store. They made her look radiant. There was also a wide smile on her face but her lips were trembling from the overwhelming emotions she probably felt. I, on the other hand, could feel my face was passive with my mouth slightly ajar from the shock. I was sure that what she could see in my eyes was enough for her to understand what I felt. _Relief_. No other thing mattered but that.

“You’re-“ I was not able to finish what I wanted to say. I don’t think I’d remember it now as she spoke for the first time with that voice of hers. She was so vulnerable in my arms, her emotions on her sleeve, yet the conviction with which she spoke and the deepness underlaying her voice told me of how strong she was.

“Your _mate_.” I don’t think I’ve ever experienced anything similar before to what I felt when I heard her say it. It was as if the words were stripped bare of their meaning and the only thing left behind were the emotion and intent. If she spoke the same words in another language I’d probably understand. What a terrifying thought.

“Ahem!” I heard someone behind me fake a cough with the intention to interrupt our intense staring but the woman before me was very adamant not to stop. She was looking at me like I was a miracle. A gift from heaven. It was I who turned away first in the direction of that fake cough. It was the woman with the long hair. Kate.

“Yes?” I asked her still in the emotional daze. Even when I was looking at her I still saw my mate. _Mate_. Have that sunk in yet?

“This is Tanya, our coven leader.” The Kate person spoke to me softly, almost a whisper, and then turned around with the others and left the house. I was momentarily paralyzed. I was left alone with _Tanya_ still looking at me in wonder. How do I get her to talk to me?

“I’m Bella.” That seems like a good start but unfortunately when I spoke I also inhaled some air and smelled Tanya’s… _excitement_. I instantly tensed feeling an _urge_ trying to come to the surface but as with the thirst it was thinly covered by a veil. Was I supposed to feel what Tanya felt as well?

I saw mist lift from Tanya’s black eyes and felt her hands leaving my body. She took a step back. It allowed me to regain some of my senses as well. With that she lifted her arms to wipe the tears from her eyes and I just couldn’t stop looking. Her moves were so graceful and I felt such strength behind them. Her arms were thin to match her small frame. At least compered to mine. The bushy hair of hers made her look more intimidating and bigger. She was a bit like a doll. So otherworldly perfect in every way.

I must’ve looked like a dummy with my mouth slightly opened and big eyes watching every inch of her that moved. She was the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen and I couldn’t get enough. _I knew there was no other._

“Bella…” She said my name in reverence. I felt unworthy of such emotion but if I were to say her name I was sure it would sound the same exact way in my mouth.

I saw her take a deep breath and crinkle her nose. I wonder if the smell that made her do that was that of my unsightly clothes. Other than that I think she enjoyed my scent. I definitely enjoyed hers. _She was divine._

After a second of hesitation, at the confusing to me expression of hers, she took a step towards me and she was one again within my reach. I wanted to hold her and stroke her hair. It looked so soft and inviting after all. She must’ve had similar ideas because the dreamy look in her eyes came back and the blackness of her eyes became even deeper.

“I’ve been waiting for you for so long.” She breathed those words out in my direction. I felt her frustration and sadness that I think passed the second she laid her eyes on me. I understood those feelings because the second my eyes landed on _her_ any negative feelings I had ceased to exist also. At least in her presence.

“I’m here now.” I spoke the words I think she needed to hear. The words I _wanted_ to say. I’m here now. This is the place I’ve been pulled to for the past couple of months and it was worth it. Me becoming a vampire at the hands of Laurent. Me abandoning my family. It was all worth happening if she was at the end of it all.

I took a step closer and we again fell into each other’s arms. I felt at home and it made me cry. She stroked my hair and the promise of love was enough to satisfy my starving heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My heart was pounding.


	5. Hesitation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tanya's gift description was slightly updated. - 11th of August 2020

Bella

I found myself on a very comfortable couch with Tanya few centimeters away from me. Close enough so we could hold hands and take comfort in each other’s presence. Tanya and I cried for a bit not knowing how to proceed with this big revelation. _That we were_ _mates_. But soon, after we sat down, we calmed down a bit. At least I think we did. Tanya’s eyes went back to their original golden hue and my mind stopped racing so I could view this situation more clearly. Her hand in mine filled me with peace I would never suspect of existing. Yet it was here. Right in the palm of my hand. _Was this real?_

“I can’t believe I actually have a mate.” Tanya spoke passionately while her eyes roamed across my face. She was squeezing my hand strongly, as if afraid to let go, like she was scared I’d disappear.

“How so?” The choice of words she used had me curious. Also I wanted to know everything there was to know about her.

“I’ve lived for so long that I started to lose hope that I had one. And now here you are.” Indeed I am. _Her mate. Her soulmate. Her other hand. Her dream. Her everything._ It didn’t make me feel as good as I hoped it would. Instead I was afraid that I wouldn’t meet her expectations. She seemed like such a kind woman to me and I didn’t want to disappoint her.

I squeezed her hand more, not knowing entirely what to say. I was filled with more joy than I’ve ever needed and my heart has never felt fuller and yet… This happened so fast. Everything I thought I knew became clouded by the intensity of my feelings for her. My love for Charlie, mom and Jake could never hope to match with what I felt for Tanya. It scared me and made me doubt the realness of my love for them. _If something like what I feel for Tanya exists then why does anything else should matter at all?_

“And I’m not going anywhere.” I smiled at her because I really felt good and happy to have her, to get to know her. Her shining eyes and kind demeanor made me want to know her more. To learn everything there was that made her the way she is.

Suddenly, an impatient look crossed Tanya’s face but the joy, I saw earlier in her eyes, did not dim.

“I would like you to meet my family, Bella.” She got up and pulled me up with her. Then we moved into the part of the room that was more suited for handling more people. _Her family._ The thought of meeting them, actually seeing their faces and hearing their voices filled me with shyness that was so fundamental for me that apparently becoming a vampire did not diminish that quality. I fidgeted a little and Tanya noticed and was about to say something when we heard steps outside the house that distracted us both.

Soon after the doors opened I saw four figures step in. Kate and Irina came in first. Irina’s face was unreadable as before with just small hints here and there to help me figure out what she was thinking. There was nothing to go on this time around, except that smile, or maybe a sneer, she constantly wore. Kate on the other hand was grinning from ear to ear with a mischievous glint in her eyes that did not cover the kindness laying deeper. That look was so much like Emmett it made me feel like someone stabbed my heart with a needle.

The pair that steeped in after them was gorgeous, as all vampires are. Their looks were a lot more different from the other three women. The couple – a man and a woman – had definitely a darker skin tone, with maybe an olive hue, but unfortunately the shine they probably had as humans was replaced by unnatural paleness of stonelike flesh. They were stunning nonetheless. Their hair a dark shade, a striking contrast against the whiteness of Alaska and the rest of their coven. Even so, they fit in perfectly.

The woman leaning close to the man was as gorgeous as he was, or maybe even more so. Her eyes the shape of almonds. Looking at me like a snake waiting to strike, so intensely and focused it terrified me but also made me feel warm. Like someone was putting a blanket on my back. _Confusing._ She had an aura of a bear. Caring but also ruthless to her foes. An extreme version of Esme perhaps? No. Esme was too gentle, too calm and too passive to be considered anything like the woman in front of me. Captivating and intriguing; my eyes didn’t want to leave her alone.

Then I felt my hand being squeezed quite strongly that it made me turn towards Tanya. Her eyes were bore into the eyes of the woman I admired earlier. She also had a dark look on her face thanks to her now black eyes. I think I heard a growl as well but I can’t be sure. It was very quiet.

“Tanya?” I asked her concerned and she immediately turned to me. Her features relaxed and the darkness in her eyes started to fade away. Was this all caused by me? Was me looking closely at that woman so triggering to Tanya? If so I had to be more careful with where I look. Mate instincts were not to be trifled with.

“It’s nothing.” She whispered for my ears only. “This is Irina and Kate, my sisters.” I pulled my hand from Tanya’s grasp to give them a handshake but she suddenly grabbed my hand with both of hers and wouldn’t let go. I was confused but I suppose it had something to do with the mate instincts which I still had trouble to feel as strongly as she did.

Looking back at Irina and Kate, the two didn’t seem bothered by Tanya’s reaction. The only thing different about Kate was a smile that was somehow getting wider by a minute. It started to terrify me a little. _How wide can she smile?_

“Nice to meet you. I’m Bella.” I decided words were the only option left, as well as not leaving Tanya’s side, or touching anyone else, or looking at someone else for more than few minutes. I hope these limitations were only temporary.

“Welcome to the family Bella.” Even with such a big smile Kate’s words felt kind and honest. She was very expressive and apparently did not notice that such openness was quite intimidating to me as I bowed my head in a gesture of submission. It angered Tanya, I could tell, but thankfully she did nothing except squeeze my hand some more.

“Yes, we welcome you warmly Bella.” The look on Irina’s face did not fully match with the tone of her voice that had warmth similar to that of Kate’s. I was pleasantly surprised.

I responded to their words with a timid and unsure smile.

Then I heard from the couple of two stunning vampires. Their voices as welcoming as the ones before them.

“I’m Eleazar. It’s a pleasure Bella.” His way of speaking was so calm, I could feel behind it how kind natured he was. On the other hand the woman to his right had a tone of a whip. Her words heavy accented despise being probably a very old vampire. She hold onto the roots of her being strongly.

“I’m Carmen. Bella, this is an honor.” She bowed her head a little as she said it. I felt like a common peasant in front of nobility. Her elegance had no match. _Maybe she was a royal? A Queen?_

“Let’s sit down.” Tanya pulled me with her towards the one of two chairs, that was clearly suited for one person, but instead of taking that place just by herself I was pushed in and Tanya followed, ending up on my lap. The feeling of her back relaxing on my chest was very distracting. _I’m so glad I cannot blush anymore._ So much I forgot there were others around and could not focus on anything else but the feeling of her body against mine. I was soon distracted again by a strange sound coming from my chest. Was I _purring_? I know vampires do that sort of thing but was it really so involuntary? _What the heck?_ As soon as I realized I was making that sound I stopped myself but unfortunately it was too late. Tanya grabbed my hands and put them on her waist. I was too scared to grab onto her so I just let my hands passively sit there not knowing what to do. When I looked up to see Tanya’s face I saw a radiant smile and eyes of swirling amber looking into my blood red ones. My little show of affection made her really happy. _It made me want to do it again and again and aga –_

“Ahem!” That fake cough again. It stopped my train of thought and made me look at the people around me and Tanya. They all had smiles on their faces, even Irina, and it made me feel less self-conscious and more welcomed. I was still embarrassed though so I hid my face in Tanya’s hair. Her smell allowed me some comfort.

“So, Bella, could you tell us more about what brought you here?” It was Eleazar who asked. I noticed he had a curious but kind expression in his eyes.

“Aa… I’m not sure.” I told them the truth, however stripped it might’ve been. I literally had no idea what brought me here but even my lack of knowledge could not dim the gratefulness I felt towards that strange pull.

“It was Tanya’s gift. For sure.” Kate spoke confidently. I looked up to see Tanya’s expression. Was this strange pull that led me on this complicated path a part of her? It filled me with warm feeling, knowing she was always so close.

“I’m not sure about that. Bella is a shield.” Eleazar spoke again, this time surprising me. I must’ve looked a bit shocked because I felt Tanya covering my hands with hers.

“A shield?” I whispered. It sounded a lot to what Carlisle described me to be but if so then Eleazar was right. Why did I feel it then and how did he know? I looked back at him.

“It’s my gift to see gifts of others.” He said it while touching where his heart once beat. Behind the words he spoke I could feel much more history and pain than I think I ever went through.

“You and Tanya are not the only one gifted. Kate is as well.” He wanted to sound reassuringly. I wonder why.

“Yep, and my gift is so cool you’re going to be _paralyzed_ with awe when you see it but Tanya’s history behind hers is much more interesting.” Kate nodded her head towards Tanya and I felt her shift on my lap. She sat sideways now with her arms around my neck and I felt a strange tingling travel across my body as her fingers grazed the nape of my neck. My hands still stayed on her small waist. Lightly squeezing because of those new sensations.

“I developed mine, as a vampire.” I was getting more surprised by a minute. I’ve never heard of such a thing happening. Carlisle never mentioned it, but I guess he never had a reason to.

“How?” I was looking into her golden eyes and a strange thought overtook me. _Can I feel what she feels if I stare strongly enough?_

“Yearning, that I felt for hundreds of years, was finally answered. Now, everyone I love always knows where to find me. They're connected to me as if by a tether. I'm their anchor. Your anchor.” That’s true. Everything she said I know to be right. However unreal it may seem Tanya’s wish for someone, for me, finally came true. I was here, holding her in my lap, with an intention to love her, as I knew would not take long for me to do so. It was truly poetic. Romantic to a fault.

“But we should talk about that later. You just arrived. We should take a bath.” Yes. Tanya was right. I could use some proper bath. After all, those questions won’t disappear when I’m gone. With Tanya around I knew, now, that I had time for everything. But wait a second. _We?_ I hope she doesn’t mean what I think she means.

Before I could ask anything she was already pulling me up the stairs with a strange sort of excitement, almost like a child, appearing on her face. I think I heard Kate laughing in the background.

“Tanya, what did you mean by _we_?” I managed to squeeze those word out as she pushed me into her room. It had to be her room because everything here had her smell. So amazing I felt momentarily overwhelmed.

“Well, I meant that _we_ should take a bath. Together. Or do you not want to?” Even the begging expression on Tanya’s face and the way she was looking into my eyes would not make me agree. I might be a vampire now but it doesn’t mean I can’t feel uncomfortable with nakedness. _Definitely too soon._

“Maybe some other time.” I wanted to sound like I really considered it but I just couldn’t stop feeling embarrassed at the thought of it. Tanya’s smile fell a bit but she still looked radiant.

“It’s alright. You can go start the shower and I’ll find you some clothes.” Tanya squeezed my hands and held them for some time. I could feel that she didn’t want to let go of me so I decided to hug her. She instantly hugged me back and I could feel how happy it made her.

Soon, she reluctantly let go of me and went to get me some clothes as she previously mentioned. After I saw her out I went to the bathroom. It was a nice place, seemingly used a lot, there were a lot of shampoos around and other cosmetics. Apparently Tanya liked baths. That’s why she was so disappointed when I refused. But who knows? Maybe someday I’ll take a bath with her.

Even if I couldn’t blush anymore I still felt my ears heat up and my palms sweat at the thought of it. _I’m such a useless mate_.

I took off my things and immediately went inside the shower. There was also a bathtub nearby but that seemed like too much of a bother now.

After the shower and covering myself with a big fluffy towel I heard Tanya fidgeting behind the bathroom doors. I think she wanted to come in.

“Tanya?” I asked curious.

“Can I come in for a second? I have the clothes.” I was covered with a towel so I felt slightly protected from the curious eyes of Tanya. Hopefully.

“Sure.” As soon as she stepped in her eyes started to roam across every inch of my exposed body. My legs, arms, my collarbones. Nothing was safe from Tanya’s inquisitive stare. Much to my pleasure and dismay. The tingling was back, this time without needing to be touched at all, and I felt warm all over despite my stonelike body. Her eyes darkened and mine probably did as well but the only thing I did was take the clothes from her grasp.

“Thank you. I’ll be out in a minute.” I could see the surprise on Tanya’s face and I think I understood why. Even since our eyes met I felt drawn towards her, and surprisingly very attracted, but I could see that she felt a lot more compared to what I experienced. That bothered me. Maybe it had something to do with my gift but if that was the case why did her gift penetrated my defenses? Why everything else was hidden behind that _veil_? It was not like I couldn’t feel anything regarding the mating bond but I did feel as if I was missing part of those instincts. I noticed, though, that being close to Tanya – the proximity – helped me access those sorts of emotions but hesitation still clouded my mind. _I wanted to give her my everything._

The clothes Tanya brought me were all lightly colored. I noticed a brightly dyed loose jeans and a buttoned up shirt that color matched with Tanya’s hair. There was also some underwear but I tried to not pay it much mind. She also brought me a pair of fluffy baby blue socks and some basic slippers.

I wondered who these clothes belonged to because they were surely not Tanya’s. She was too small to wear such big sizes.

Without much more thought I stepped out of the bathroom and stopped in my tracks as soon as I saw Tanya.

The bathroom door faced the bed, that was placed in the middle of the room, sideways so I could clearly see a person laying there. Her face was turned towards my direction and she had her eyes closed. It looked like she was sleeping. Her hair pooled around her face like a milky water with a shine that could match the starts themselves. Her lips were slightly parted and looked so very inviting. _So lovely_.

“Lovely you say?” Tanya whispered with apparent glee. Damn, I said it out loud. I just couldn’t stop myself.

“Come here, please.” This time she spoke it with open eyes and an inviting expression. She shuffled herself a bit further away on the bed making a place for me.

Before I took a step towards the lovely image of Tanya, I hesitated. Isn’t it a bit strange, that I met this woman not so long ago and I already felt like I’ve knew her for years? It was definitely not normal that I felt this comfortable with her. By human standards at least. As a vampire the rules changed a bit I suppose. She was my mate after all. Someone that I was destined to be with. If so should I really concern myself with human standards of what a relationship should look like? I had a supposed “human relationship” with Edward and I wondered if he considered the way I acted weird because of that? Not like I still care about him. Definitely not with such a beautiful woman ready to have me as I am.

After I took off my slippers I laid down besides Tanya. She had her arms close to her face and a very relaxed expression. She looked satisfied.

I tried to imitate her position and it made our pinkies touch. Even that slightest poke made me feel more than anything I’ve ever experienced. The smallest sensations felt like a lightning of pleasure traveling across my body. Making me feel as if my heart still beat. She was filling me with more life than I’ve ever felt while still being a human.

“Tell me something about yourself.” I couldn’t help but ask. She was so magnificent and mesmerizing I wanted to know _everything_. She was my eternity after all.

“Only if you share something in return.” I suppose that’s a fair trade. I cannot forget that this bond we have is mutual. Could be more so after I figure out my gift.

“Anything.” I felt like I could tell her everything and she would soak it up instantly without any regret or hesitation. It’s scary and thrilling, knowing that there was someone out there, all along, who accepted you and you had no idea of their existence.

Meeting Tanya and surrendering to the pull felt like a blessing to me now.

As Tanya’s melodious voice started speaking, of an ordinary life and great adventures, there was no one else in this world but us.

We were talking until the sun started to rise and we would keep going if not for Tanya’s proposal.

“Would you like to watch the sunrise with me, Bella?” I immediately agreed. Why wouldn’t I?

Since we started our conversation I learnt a great deal about Tanya’s life. Of all the hardships and blessings she met along the way. Of how she became a vampire, her family, about _Sasha_. She also confided in me the amount of despair, loneliness and desperation she started to experience as the years went by as she couldn’t find her mate. Her sisters, Kate and Irina, never had trouble waiting, but Tanya did. She would tell me of the catatonic states she’d be in for months until the hunger and thirst would win over. My heart broke upon hearing of those times and I couldn’t help but berate myself for not meeting her sooner to spare her this pain even when I knew I had no way of finding her as I still didn’t exist back then.

I, in return, told her about my boring and ordinary life, until I met _Edward_. As soon as I said out loud his name Tanya tensed and told me all about their relationship as friendly covens. My concerns about them still being friendly with each other were quickly shattered by Tanya telling me that what they did was unforgivable and the relationship their covens had will never be the same. It reassured me a little but I knew there was still a lot more to cover, but Tanya and I didn’t want to taint our meeting with such affairs any longer.

I spoke of Laurent and the way I was changed. Tanya sympathized and was angry at the same time. I could see the rage she had in her eyes even now, as she led me to the roof of the house. To get a better view she said.

I knew that we touched upon a lot of heavy topics and that there was a lot more to cover but I was satisfied with what I knew of Tanya for now. Afterall, we had eternity together and our memories were not about to run away.

On the roof Tanya and I sat down very close to each other. We were holding our hands tightly. Finger against finger. As the sun began its rise I felt Tanya’s head on my shoulder. It made me look over and I saw that Tanya was not looking at the sunrise at all. She was looking at me.

I could see her eyes getting dark but still shiny because of the fresh sun illuminating her. The orange and red hues of the sunrise made her look even more beautiful than the first time I saw her. _Was she getting prettier with every time I look at her?_

She fidgeted a little and I could see an intent look in her eyes. I allowed her to do what she wanted.

She grabbed my head with both of her hands and then her thumbs started to slowly stroke my cheeks while feeling the shape of my cheekbones and the softness covering them. The rest of her fingers were drawing small circles behind my ears and sometimes, almost playfully, scratching there as well. I was melting in her grasp. My head was becoming loose and my eyes started to close.

Then I felt something touch my lips. It was almost like a feather, a tingling sensation. I could feel shyness and uncertainty behind that action but also a longing. Desire for more. It made me crave it, to satisfy those beginnings of desperation, so I surged forward and grabbed her lips with mine. We kissed. I covered her hands, still holding my cheeks, with mine to feel her closeness, to keep her close.

Her lips, the color of ripe peach, felt like one. As if I was biting into a sweet fruit. My boldness awakend hers and soon the kiss became passionate. Our mouths starter moving, like silk against silk, rapidly growing more intense. I slipped my hands in her hair and felt the moving muscles of her face and scalp. It made it all the more real. Naturally, we broke apart, and our eyes immediately met. Hers black as the moonless night and mine probably no better. I smelled Tanya's arousal - her _need_ \- and my body wanted to respond to that. Satisfy my mate and her craving, yet I was hesitant.

My mind and heart were still clouded by doubt form our earlier conversation. By the questions that kept bothering me since. _What if my feelings are not as strong as hers because of my gift? Is it fair to her, knowing that our feelings may not match? Could I do that to her?_

Tanya must’ve sensed my trepidation because a questioning look crossed her face.

“What is it?” She asked this simple question and yet my answer seemed more complicated by the minute.

“It’s my gift.” I whispered with a trembling voice. “What if it makes me feel less?” I spat out my concerns while constantly looking into Tanya’s eyes. _I couldn’t stop looking._ With each word I said, a smile began to form on her face. It was a smile without a doubt, just full of understanding. It left me confused and hopeful.

“Whatever you feel, it’s _enough._ You’re more than enough.” She said it firmly. Strongly convinced with no room for further questions while she was still holding my face in her grasp. Making me unable to turn my head away. Embarrassed by my own uncertainty.

How did those questions dare to even cross my mind while I had this woman right in front of me? Loving me even before I was born.

There was no doubt clouding my heart as our lips connected again. This time in the sweetest kiss of all.

And they say the first kiss is special.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm fine. How are you?


	6. Openness

Bella

Since that memorable day at the rooftop, as the sun was languidly rising before us, every day after that was just as great if not better. But the story doesn’t end when you meet your other half; your other problems and people around you do not disappear. That is why I found myself outside the house, with Kate and Eleazar watching me intently. Apparently, being a vampire that lived for centuries makes one very responsive to any new stimulus. That stimulus being me of course. So it was obvious that their curiosity about me would eventually win over the respect they had for mine and Tanya’s bubble of love. Nothing lasts forever after all. Though I hope that one thing does. _Tanya’s smile, brilliant eyes and everything there is about he –_

“Have you heard anything I just said?” Kate voice sounded nice when I first heard it, but now I found it to be very bothersome for some reason.

“Could you perhaps repeat it?” I suppose the annoyed expression on Kate’s face indicates that was not something she wanted to hear. Though I found myself unable to care.

Maybe in the beginning I would be scared of disappointing or upsetting her but after everything Tanya told me about her, Kate started to appear less intimidating than I first perceived her to be. With every single embarrassing moment involving Kate I found out about, her confident and mischievous behavior started to look more childish than admirable. Nevertheless, she didn’t loose her charm, nor did I start disliked her. She just began to become more of a person than a concept of a perfect vampire. Because, well, even vampires have flaws. Like that time Tanya told me about, when they went out hunting and Kate was just about to pounce on the animal but she somehow tripped and fell into that animal’s dung. Or that time when she made Carmen so mad that she found all of her clothes missing and she had to use curtains as her wardrobe for almost a week because nobody would lend her their clothes. Also there was that story with spanking –

“So, back to our conversation. We – by which I mean Eleazar and I – will test out your gift. You up, I hope?” The annoyance disappeared from Kate’s face and was instead replaced by mischievous glint in her eyes. I heard from others what Kate’s gift is but I actually have never seen it before. I had a feeling that Kate’s been savoring the thought of shocking me with her electricity.

Eleazar told me that her gift would probably be nullified by mine but even though he sounded quite sure I was still skeptical. After all, her expression was one of a predator. I think she was so sure of her ability that the confidence shrouded the facts Eleazar laid out in front of her. There was no hesitation or uncertainty in her eyes at the moment.

“Yeah, I get it, but please be gentle.” I was scared, there was no way for me to hide it as Kate’s expression changed from the mischievous and intent one from before to one menacingly dark and lacking the wide smile she usually wore. The change was so instant and unexpected I took a step back, what unfortunately was a big, big mistake. She sneered and I froze. There was something going on inside her head that I couldn’t understand. It was so sudden, I was shocked. What could possibly be an explanation behind this unexpected change of her demeanor?

Eleazar was not bothered by it at all when I looked up to see what was going on. Apparently this was normal and I was lost. When Kate took a step towards me, unusually slowly for a vampire, my mind went back to the conversation we were all having with Tanya before all of this started. I was confused at why did they want her to be away from this experiment but now I think I understood their reasons. If I witnessed Tanya being approached by a vampire looking like Kate right now, I would lose my marbles. At least she wasn’t here. 

Kate’s pace started to increase and soon she stood before me. We were almost the same height and yet she towered over me like a giant. I felt like an ant soon to be squished under a shoe but instead of running away I stood there paralyzed. The same way I was paralyzed in fear of Laurent. I didn’t like this feeling at all. This panic that started to build up from within me and making me vulnerable to everything going on outside. It was horrendous in its volume. I did not shake and I didn’t think you could see it from how my body acted but I was definitely having a panic attack. This was so new, because I was a vampire now and I didn’t think vampires could get panic attacks. It felt like one though. 

Then, suddenly, Kate pounced on me and we both fell to the ground with her sitting on me and… smiling? What the heck? After a while her smile started to disappear and got replaced by pure look of confusion and wonder. She slowly got up with a frown on her face and I, still slightly scared, scrambled further away from her. When I got up I couldn’t help but look at them both in anger.

“What the hell?!” I yelled while my thoughts were still chaotic. The images of Laurent and sky struck by lighting vivid in my mind, making me unable to see properly. My eyes were looking around me frantically as if trying to see how to escape. This was so not cool.

“Bella, what’s wrong? Kate was just trying to…” Eleazar said softly, it was hard to be angry at him while he had such apologetic look in his eyes. I was still slightly mad and confused but I tried to at least listen to their explanation.

“It was supposed to be a joke, like… “Try to hurt my sister and I hurt you!” kinda talk, but I couldn’t shock you.” She said it swiftly, trying really hard to justify her actions and I suppose she could forget how just recently I was turned and how shows of such aggression and domination might make me feel. I wanted her to feel sorry and I wanted to be close to Tanya so I would calm down, because right now I did not feel right in the head.

“You shocked me alright! You should’ve known this would not be cool. You should’ve known… “ I couldn’t finish my sentence as I heard running footsteps coming towards us, I also smelled the scent I’ve come to love. Tanya was coming. Before Kate could open her mouth, probably to say something, she looked in the direction the sound of Tanya’s footsteps was coming from, then, almost immediately, I could see fear setting in her eyes. Good, Tanya will give her a nice lecture.

When Tanya arrived she looked around and could probably see how I was still slightly shocked from what occurred not so long ago. She could also see Kate’s scared expression and Eleazar apologetic eyes. This scene did not make her happy at all. I could see it in the frown slowly forming on her perfect forehead. She started to move towards me and I instinctively opened my arms to hug her. She did it without question.

It was magical how her presence and her smell affected me. It brought me calm I would never suspect of existing back in the day. It was as if nothing was wrong in the world if I just had Tanya’s arms around me. One part of me, the one that was still trying to think like a human, was shocked and appalled at how fast I’ve come to trust her. The other part of me, the new one, the vampire one, that was growing stronger with each day, was telling me that it was _right_ and good and we don’t need anything else besides each other. I wanted to trust the vampire side of me, after all that was what I was right now. The human side of me was just a nostalgic remnant, destined to die. Yet, it was still there and I couldn’t shake the duality of my feelings off of me so easily. That is why I took a step back even though I knew I could hug Tanya forever if I wanted or needed to, but this hug won’t resolve what Kate did to me. Even though it helped immensely.

“So… what happened?” Tanya’s voice was sharp and when I heard it I wished she would never speak to me in that way. To be honest, it was terrifying, but strangely enough the tingling was back. Very strange indeed. The chaotic fog of fear that formed in my mind just a few seconds ago was slowly starting to disappear and it allowed me to think about this situation just a little bit clearer. Kate was old, as was Eleazar and from what I learned when I was still with Cullens some memories or more likely feelings one felt while reminiscing might fade with time. It was very apparent with older vampires. For example, vampires like Kate. The detachment from the memories of their human lives was more visible with each century they lived through. Some feelings that were only felt in their human years are being forgotten and so is how to react to somebody’s acting in a human manner. That would be me, a vampire that was just recently changed. If I looked at this situation from this perspective I can understand and forgive Kate and Eleazar. It doesn’t mean I have to be easy on them though. A mischievous spark ignited an idea inside my head. I might’ve spent too much time with Kate in the recent days to think of this approach.

“Kate scared me and Eleazar just watched.” I spoke with newfound confidence. This situation was clearly in my favor and Tanya’s wrath would be punishment enough for both of them. Honestly, I kind of anticipate what punishment she’ll think of for both of them.

“You did what?!” Tanya screeched and I could see the fire ignite in her eyes. Kate and Eleazar literally cowered, they hung their heads and looked anywhere but at Tanya. I strangely enjoyed this image and Tanya’s show of dominance. It didn’t last long though and Tanya turned to me, this time with a demeanor of an anxious sheep. I loved how gentle she was with me.

“I’ll deal with those two later. Right now it’s all about you Bella, darling. Are you alright?” With those words Tanya started to pat me anywhere she could while looking for any damage, a single hair that fell off of my head would definitely upset her even more if she found it. Thankfully, after a throughout patting she seemed satisfied with the state I was in. The only thing that made her frown were the stains of dirt on my trousers and hands. When I noticed I had dirty hands I immediately brushed them against each other to make myself look a bit more presentable. I noticed that around Tanya I wanted to look my best, I suspected that was because I still had the image of human Bella in my mind. It was hard to come to terms with how I look now. The difference between the image of myself in my head and how I actually look as a vampire made me feel undeserving of Tanya’s attention. After all she was an image of perfection. This feeling was very similar to the one I had while in the presence of Rosalie. Inadequacy. I know I shouldn’t feel that way. Tanya, as well as Rosalie are more than their looks, but I don’t know what it is but I always felt intimidated by beautiful women. This feeling still lingers while I’m in Tanya’s presence, though it gets better with each minute I spend with her. Maybe it makes me realize that she is a person just like me and there’s no reason to have these feelings. It’s all a pure speculation though and it doesn’t matter now that Tanya is pulling me towards the woods. Right in the direction where she walked from.

“Where are we going, Tanya?” _I loved saying her name. Ta – nya. Such a sweet sounding name for a sweet lady_. That thought made me internally giggle a bit, because I think she was this sweet only towards me. Huh, a nice thought.

“Somewhere to cheer you up.” Tanya responded mysteriously, with a slight glimmer in her eyes. Maybe it was just a reflection of a midday sun? It made her looked very pretty.

Her hand in mine we walked at a normal pace. Normal by which I mean human. Surprisingly vampires don’t actually use their speed a lot of time. They prefer to take their time. After all they have eternity to live through. I will understand that, in time.

Felling her hand in mine, my mind drifted. With Edward and other Cullens, they were all cold to me when I touched them, but with Tanya and other members of her coven I found out that changed once you were turned. Right now, as we were walking through this mesmerizing tunnel of glowing white Tanya’s hand in mine felt _warm_. It felt like it was heating me up. Which is unusual because I’m sure she can’t do that. I am not complaining though.

Taking my eyes from the image of our holding hands I looked around us at the trees, the ground and the sky. I never really understood art. The composition, the color scheme or the reason behind the subject the artist chose to present, but now… It’s all clear to me. The sky is somehow the color of dark morning blue with a hint of orange at the horizons. The struggling sun rays coming through the thick clouds are all visible to me which adds texture to the sky above us. The sun rays then hit the ground and trees and other sleeping nature that is covered in sticky snow that squeaks beneath our shoes. The particles of snow that melt because of the light make rhythmical sounds of water drops hitting the floor of the forest. Sometimes I can even hear the rustling of leaves that are hidden below the white cold pillow of snow as they shift and turn because of the weight of the frozen water. There are even some small animals rummaging about all around us, while their heartbeats make the nice accompaniment to the song the forest sings. It’s the music only a vampire can experience, and it never sounds the same. Nevertheless, the most beautiful thing in this picturesque image of nature was Tanya. How could she not be? Her hair was shining with the color of dawn, while the golden hue that made up her eyes swirled beautifully around the irises. Her lips were like blooming flower and I could almost feel their texture on my own lips even now. The feeling of thick and nimble silk as it brushed against my stiff and inexperienced mouth made my stomach fill with butterflies at just the snippet of the memory. I felt unnatural heat travel through my body as the desire to experience it again marked my skin with trail of fire that connected my lips to my heart. It scared me for a moment. Th intensity of it. _Could Tanya see the passion that was filling me to the brim?_ Maybe I was about to find out as she suddenly stopped and turned to me.

I froze in sync with her. The gaze I watched from the corner of my eye now focused solely on me. The bright shade of her eyes was moving as she examined every inch of my face. There was no way for me to hide. The passion that surged in me unexpectedly was bare for her to see. It made me want to be filled with so much love so that I could pour it all over Tanya. I wanted it to be like waves hitting a fragile cliff. Passion so overwhelming and heavy so it would crush us both under its weight. It would be a pinnacle of romance; love connected with death.

I could see the understanding in her eyes as well as the reflection of my own passion. I was able to imagine blood red color of my eyes dancing in synchrony with the color of hers. My hand squeezed hers strongly because I felt like the world around me was slowly disappearing. Leaving only me and Tanya. Alone to be. She pulled me closer to her. We were apart by an inch maybe. She did not hug me, I think she felt that there was something else to be done first before we allowed ourselves to soak in each other’s presence more intimately.

“How do you feel now?” She asked me in a hushed voice with roughness underlying it.

“I’m better now.” I responded honestly. There was definitely more I wanted to say but I didn’t want this tender moment between us to be crushed by the flashback I experienced not so long ago. So I only squeezed Tanya’s hand more.

“Let’s sit.” She pulled me down with her. Our trousers instantly soaked because of the snow, but we didn’t mind that. The snow wasn’t cold to touch as I supported myself by putting down my other hand. It actually had a very nice texture. Without the body heat I had as a human it almost felt dry in my palm. I brushed the sticky snowflakes between fingers while hearing the movement the particles of snow made while I made them move. Every new sound I experienced wondered me. How could everything have a sound? It was astounding in its novelty.

“Would you like to talk about what happened with Kate?” Tanya asked me tenderly as if afraid to scare me with this topic. I suspected she knew something was up with me since the moment she saw me while walking on the scene of the incident. I loved that she didn’t push me to talk. I felt like anything I brought up she would gladly listen to it. That’s why I sighed because I made a decision to talk to her about the flashback and Laurent. Even though I wanted the moments we spend with each other unperturbed I knew that firstly I need to be transparent with my feelings. Otherwise, we would both experienced an unhealthy weight setting upon ours shoulders.

I took a deep breath and brushed my thumb against Tanya’s hand. I was about to describe this traumatic event to her and talk about how it makes me feel. I knew that it would hurt her, listening to the pain I’ve been through in detail but I think I needed to say it. If I put this out here in the open and say the words, I think it’d help me realize that it’s all real and my pain is valid. It was selfish but I needed to process the trauma and move on so I would get better.

“It was a town called Whitehorn. I just stopped to get food at the first grocery store I noticed. When I got out of the car I noticed how dark it was, with the occasional flickering of a street lamp and a lighting cutting the sky to illuminate at least a fraction of my surroundings.” I paused when Tanya came closer to me and put her head down on my chest while her arms tightly hugged me. I think we both needed this kind of comfort.

“When I was checking out at the store the shop clerk said something concerning and I immediately thought I had to get out of there.” I grabbed Tanya’s head and started to slowly stoke her hair. The vividness of the memory was unwelcome so I had to anchor myself to reality.

“I was speeding to my car. It was so close. So, so close. I was just about to get in when I felt… _his_ hands sneaking around me.” I stopped myself right there because Tanya’s hold on me started to become more tense. I couldn’t see her expression but I think it was a small mercy. I would hate to see the sadness and pain reflect in her eyes.

“The rest is pretty simple. I was changed. It was more brutal and violent that I would ever imagine. I always thought it to be… just a bite. It was more than that. I was in his grip, unable to move from exhaustion and pain of the bite and then he just left. My only companions in those days were moon and sun, looking down on me relentlessly.” I put my face in Tanya’s hair because I needed to smell her and to feel her near me. So all those bad memories would disappear.

“What Kate did…” I continued.

“It reminded me of that. I got scared. Panicked. I didn’t like that at all Tanya.” The last part I whispered. Wanting to just stop talking about it. I said my share and I wanted to move past that. I knew it would not be easy though.

Tanya remined quiet for a while. She didn’t speak, only held me in her tense arms. I stroked her silky hair that glistened in the evening sun and waited. I would give her time she needed as she did the same to me. I was not aware of it before but I wore a thin shirt today, made from a very light fabric and because of that I could feel Tanya’s face very sharply on my chest. Almost as if I wore no shirt at all. It flustered me for a bit and I was grateful for that. I preferred to feel bashfulness rather that panic from that wicked memory.

A while passed before Tanya spoke but I didn’t mind that at all.

“I don’t remember my change that well but I can recall a brief time when I felt somewhat similar. I think that’s normal, Bella, though it doesn’t make it any less painful. I wish I could take some of that pain away from you, darling. I really do.” Firstly Tanya’s voice started off of as light and the last part she spoke passionately while looking into my eyes. I still lightly stroked her hair while her face was inches away from mine. I could see the love on her face and strong desire to understand what I felt. She said she wished to take some of my pain away but I think she already did. Her willingness to listen and her gentle demeanor were enough to sooth my heart.

We both inched even closer to each other. Wishing to kiss the other one’s pain and sadness away and just soak in the comfort of our love. When her lips brushed mine’s I inhaled sharply because the sensations were so vivid and powerful I was shocked. She chased my gasping mouth with hers and we kissed each other’s deeply. My hands went to her shoulders while my legs changed their position to a more comfortable one. Tanya reacted to my movement by sitting on my lap with her thighs squeezing my legs for both sides. She was encompassing me like a snowstorm. Powerful and beautiful. She brought me safeness. I had to crane my neck up to meet her lips fully and in result our kissed deepened. She kissed me like a thirsty woman that walked across desert for a week. She sucked my love out of me and I just kept on refilling it with each movement my lips made. We never kissed like this. So openly and without shame. It was _intimate_. In the real meaning of that word. There was no room for my shyness or uncertainty, only love filling our every crevices.

Her hands started to inch under my shirt but were interrupted by a sound of rushing footsteps we both knew. We slowly detached ourselves for each other and turned to the side. Irina was coming in our direction and when I saw her face I grew concerned and anxious. She had sad eyes and frown on her lips. It was more than usual coming from her. Then, as she stood before us, not even acknowledging our embarrassing position she showed us a newspaper I noticed just now she was holding. My vampire eyes quickly scanned what it was she was showing us and as soon as I understood it I felt like I was about to crumble to pieces.

The headline said “ _Mysterious Disappearance Of One Bella Swan: Concerned Family Asks For Help_ ”. Under it was a picture of my truck, parked outside the last store I went to. Around it I could see the things I bought laying there crumpled and shattered. It was the last human moment before I was changed.

My hands squeezed Tanya’s shoulders more forcefully than was necessary and I looked at Irina’s and Tanya’s face with an asking frown.

“We have a problem.” These were the first words Irina spoke to us since she came here and I agreed.

We had a big problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. I had to take a break from everything.


	7. Temptation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella's defenses break around Tanya.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, just to clarify (I’ve changed a part of the 5th chapter where it was revealed): Tanya cannot feel the pull. Only those she loves can, and Bella felt it (even if they haven’t met before) because Tanya loved the idea of having a mate and surprise, surprise Bella was said mate. So… that’s it, nothing beyond that is going to change as of now.

Bella

“It’s not such a big deal.” Carmen said lazily from the couch and I didn’t think I could feel anger at her even if I wanted to.

My mind was constantly coming up with scenarios of my father, Jacob and mom realizing that I’m gone forever. Scenes in which they’d feel overwhelmed with sadness for me or think that I was kidnapped and tortured and have gone through unimaginable horrors. I didn’t want them to think that. Their pain was mine and I had trouble dealing with it. Tanya’s support helped only a little and the rest of the coven wanted to help me with this but didn’t know how. I’m not surprised. They already forgot how to care for a human life.

“Wonder what Cullens will think when they see it.” I did not need this additional worry in my head, Kate. I wanted to say that to her face but I only mustered enough energy to glare at her. It didn’t seem to faze her now that she apologized and Tanya agreed to postpone the conversation about the incident with her and Eleazar to after this is dealt with. I kind of got over it already so I didn’t mind waiting. I wanted to focus on how to tell Charlie I was still alive and well. I knew it might not be easy now that a newspaper got a hold of it but it’s not like the article was at the front page or in the news on TV as far as we knew. I didn’t want to even entertain the idea of just ignoring this situation because I’m a vampire now and I supposedly could wait a few decades before I could go and walk among humans.

“Wouldn’t Alice have seen everything that has happened? It’s strange that we haven’t been contacted by them yet.” Irina mustered this so quietly I wouldn’t have noticed if she didn’t spoke Alice’s name.

“What if it’s Bella’s gift is preventing her from seeing? I can clearly see that she has immunity to non – physical gifts as well.” Eleazar countered Irina speculation and I could not believe that this was the most pressing matter at hand for them, but I had to agree. It’s weird that the Cullens haven’t contacted the Denali’s yet. As far as I know Alice’s gift worked on me and I said as much.

“I remember Alice’s gift working on me.” I said to them to make it clearer. This was a needed distraction from the mess my disappearance caused. After all I still haven’t thought of anything I can do about it yet.

“If Alice could see you when you were still human wouldn’t she have seen your change?” Kate spoke it lightly but carefully. I think she figured out that my change was still something I was dealing with. Now of all times she found some observation skills. At least there’s that.

“What if she didn’t care to see me anymore? I wouldn’t be surprised.” I said what I was thinking. It seemed strange that the Cullens would want to know how my life was going after they disappeared.

“Just because she can’t see Bella doesn’t mean she can’t see us.” Carmen said it while still laying like a queen on the couch. She had a point.

Just when Eleazar was about to say something to her the phone rang. We all turned to the direction of the sound at the same time and we all had the same idea who was calling. It’s a big possibility it was Alice.

The timing was impossibly eerie.

“I’ll get that.” Tanya said after a few rings and without hurry got before the phone. When she put the phone next to her ear I could feel everyone else in the room focus. Including me.

“Hello?” Tanya said softly.

“Tanya? It’s Alice. Please tell me this is not what I think it is!” Hearing Alice’s voice for the first time in such a long while made me remember the times I was with the Cullens. Nostalgic apprehension was soon replaced by annoyance.

“Well, Alice. What do you think it is, because honestly you haven’t even given me a clue as to why you’re calling us.” Tanya’s voice was laced with venom. When she said that the relationship their coven had was over I did not expect such animosity from her. I didn’t mind it though. Not at all.

“Are you being serious with me right now?! I clearly saw Bella - as vampire - standing in your living room! If you didn’t change her I don’t know what it is! Be grateful I’m away with Jasper right now because Edward for sure would not take it well! Give me a reason why I shouldn’t contact them this instant!” I always considered Alice to be calm even in the toughest of situations but the frenzy in her voice now shattered that illusion. Also, I didn’t like the tone she had with Tanya as well as those outrageous accusations. Tanya was older than her, she was a coven leader in her own right and the disrespect coming off of Alice’s voice made me mad. That is why I quickly got behind Tanya’s side so I could talk with her and explain. I couldn’t stand the disrespect and audacity she had. They left me and she had the boldness to react so strongly at the idea of my change. No, I could not tolerate that.

“Could I speak to her, Tanya?” As I asked I put my hand on her shoulder to hopefully calm her down. I didn’t want her to be angry at the stupidity Alice portrayed right now.

“If you’re sure, darling.” Tanya took my hand from her shoulder and held it firmly whilst giving me the phone to my other hand. When I took it she didn’t leave my side. I appreciated the comfort.

“Why did you call her “darling”?! What does that mean? Bella?! Bella, is that you?!” I was slowly getting tired with how frantic Alice sounded. It’s not like she’s seen something horrendous.

“Hi Alice. It’s been a while.” I couldn’t make any warm appear in my tone. I was still, after all, quite bitter about what they did.

“Bella! Oh, I missed you so much. We _all_ missed you. Are you alright? I didn’t see anything until now. Please, tell me this is all a big mistake. Please…” Alice pleaded.

“I’m a vampire now - _Alice_ \- and the Denali’s have nothing to do with it, you understand? And don’t you dare speak to Tanya that way again. Don’t you have shame? You left me with nothing, over nothing and now you have the courage to care?” I snapped a little, but I still think I kept my composure. They deserved so much more anger from me, but I didn’t wish to give them anything ever again. Especially my love and appreciation.

“Oh, Bella, I’m so, _so_ sorry. I don’t know why I couldn’t see it and prevent it. Now you’re a vampire. Oh God! What am I going to tell Edward?! This is so bad. Are you okay though? We will come as soon as we can, I promise. I don’t know how I will tell the others these… news.” I think Alice didn’t hear what I said that well because she started to make plans I didn’t ask for and she put Edward into those sentences. As if he matters at all in this situation. Why does she bother more about what will Edward think and not what I think and feel right now? I can’t believe I didn’t see this self – centered side of her before. I was too blinded by my teenage love for Edward to notice. To think I thought of her as out - going, fashionable and cool. I regret every thought like that I had.

“You will not come to see me unless I ask and I believe I speak for all of the Denali’s when I say they will contact you if they want to see you as well.” As I said it I turned to Tanya and the other’s to get the confirmation that they agreed with what I said and I could clearly see the small nods everyone has given me.

“What? But… Bella we need to see you – “ Alice couldn’t finish the sentence because Tanya interrupted by saying:

“You lost the right to see her when you left her all alone _and_ with knowledge of vampires without taking the required steps that would prevent you from breaking the law. When you come up with a reasonable explanation as to why you did those things call us and do not come here unannounced.” When Tanya ended talking I ended the call.

We were all quiet for a few seconds, probably having similar thoughts. I felt like this could’ve gone worse if Alice was with the rest of her family. It was a small blessing in this uncomfortable situation. I also felt a bit guilty of making relationship between two covens so strained with negativity. It’s true that the Denali’s said they can’t be on good terms with the Cullen’s because of their actions. It was more justifiable considering their previous problems with the Volturi. The sisters’ history with Sasha and the vampire child as well the past affiliation with them on Eleazar part. Only Carmen’s history with Volturi remained a mystery, if there even was one. So that elevated a bit of guilt, but still I couldn’t help but feel like I destroyed something good they had and it was not a nice feeling to have.

“That went as well as expected.” Carmen muttered.

In the end I sat on a chair right near the couch on which Eleazar and Carmen sat. Soon Tanya sat on the arm of the chair I was sitting in and put my head on her chest. I didn’t have energy to be flustered so I just hugged her and processed the brief conversation we had with Alice.

This could go two ways. Alice could contact the rest or she wouldn’t. Or… she could just ignore what Tanya and I said to her and just show up here either way. So basically we might or might not have visitors soon.

I sighed heavily overcome with stress and anxiety. I was overwhelmed. Scary thing was my mind was up to speed with all of those emotions and because of that it escalated in its intensity compared to what I felt as a human. Now, there was more space for these emotions to reign and because of that they ruled over me in a way that felt oppressing. Suddenly Tanya’s embrace seemed suffocating so I detached myself from her but didn’t look her in the eyes. I know what I’d see.

“We should talk about what we’ll do about the newspaper thing.” Tanya said to everyone in the room. I was grateful she brought the attention back to this subject as well as not very excited about what the outcome of this conversation will be.

“The way I see it the only concern we should be having is whether their search will bring them here. That is something we’ll want to avoid at all cost.” Irina spoke without a pause and I finally understood that this situation not only concerns me but the safety of the Denali’s as well.

“Do you think there is any possibility that they would track the path you took here, Bella?” Tanya asked me softly and cautiously.

I know that I lost my car keys at some point when Laurent took me and I know that I threw away my shoes as well. There should be two deer carcasses too but besides that I don’t think they would find any more clues as to where I went, or _in their_ minds taken. Though I’m not sure they would think of those things as clues. Why would my kidnapper kill deer after all?

If they involve dogs to search for me I’m not sure how that’d work. I have no idea if vampire’s scent acts the same way as human one.

“I don’t think they will have much to go on but how that would work if they involve dogs to look for me by scent?” I asked curious and nervous to hear their answer. They were quiet for a second and then Kate spoke up.

“Dogs… they would have to catch your new scent, the one you have as a vampire, and if you moved at a high speed for couple of miles I’d think they would lose it. You were moving like that, right?” Kate asked me in return.

“Yes, I was very fast.” It was good to hear that was not something to be worried about.

“What about footsteps?” I asked as I realized that even if they’ll lose my scent they could see my footprints.

“In this weather it’s very unlikely they stayed so it shouldn’t be a problem.” This time it was Eleazar that responded. It seemed like everything I’ve came up with was instantly dismissed as a potential threat. Did I blew this situation out of proportion? Did I lose the clarity I’ve gained not so long ago in face of something I lost the moment I woke up as a vampire? My family. My old family. The life I lost alongside the last drop of human blood that spilled out of me was no longer mine to care about. This thought made me mad.

Even though I knew that, _I felt that_ , I couldn’t help but worry and feel the push and motivation to do something. To inform dad, mom and Jake that I was well and unharmed.

“I want to inform my parents that I’m unharmed though. I can’t stand the thought of them worrying for me needlessly.” I spoke to the rest of the coven with desperation in my voice. I don’t know what they would say to this idea, maybe they would agree to help me.

Instead of a response I saw everyone’s eyes turn to Tanya. They were having silent conversation between themselves right in front of me and I couldn’t decipher what was it that they were communicating. Then Tanya turned my head towards her by laying her hand on my cheek.

“How about we go for a walk, Bella dear?” She spoke to me tenderly, but there was something off with the way she was looking at me. I did not have good feelings about this.

“Right now?” I asked her. This timing was unusual.

“Yes. Please Bella.” She spoke more fully this time. Almost desperate to get out. So I agreed.

She took my hand and after putting on shoes we walked out. She was guiding me to a different place than the last one we visited. The place at which Irina showed us the newspaper. I became sad at that memory. I was glad we were walking someplace else.

The sky started to become darker but I didn’t find it hard to see. It was truly mesmerizing looking at the world this way. It didn’t look as bright as it was when the sun is out but my eyes were able to catch enough light from the reflecting moon to make me able to see just fine. This was actually closer to what I’ve been able to seen as a human. Lack of light made me unable to notice the slightest of details in my surroundings. It was strangely relaxing. Not being able to see what’s hidden; just what’s on the surface.

My relaxed state was broken by Tanya suddenly stopping. I was instantly reminded that she wanted to go for a walk or more precisely to talk to me.

I was not stupid, I knew she wanted to take me away from the rest for some reason. A reason I already started to dislike.

“Let’s go sit under that tree. There’s not much snow there.” She said as she pulled me with her. I did not fight her.

After we sat down she took my hands in hers so we could hold and touch each other for comfort. I think whatever Tanya wanted to say was not easy for her as it would not be easy for me to hear. I grew anxious with each second of silence that passed. None of us wanted to break it knowing there’ll be no going back to this moment. Back to the past and the unspoken.

“Bella, I wanted to talk to you about your parents and friends. From your _human life_.” Tanya was the one who had enough courage to say the first words. I knew that whatever she was going to say next will not be something I’d like. The emphasis on the word human felt like a punch to my gut. Realization started to slowly creep in.

“What about them?” I couldn’t look into Tanya’s eyes as I spoke. I felt tension spreading through my shoulders to my heart.

“Darling… You can’t contact them. You know the rules. It’s death or change for them if you meet them now in your current state.” Upon hearing these words I was filled with so much rage and sadness I couldn’t comprehend where one emotion started and the other began. I felt liquid fire spread from my throat to my limbs and center around my heart. This manifestation of anger burned throughout me, filling me with hunger for carnage. I heard a crack that brought me back to the image of grimacing Tanya.

“Bella, you’re hurting me.” I looked at my hands holding hers. There were small cracks appearing on her flawless skin. I instantly let go, realizing how much strength I put in that grip.

“I’m so sorry Tanya. I don’t know why I did that.” I felt disgusted with myself for having my emotions control me like that. That has never happened to me before. I’ve never lost control like that. Is this what newborns feel?

I felt unlike myself. Still feeling this anger and this sadness that no matter how hard I tried I wasn’t able to control. What was going on?

“It’s alright dear. Your reaction is understandable. You’ll learn to rein in these emotions in time.” Tanya spoke to me cautiously and when I saw her eyes I noticed that she wasn’t mad at what I’ve done. She had the loving and apologetic expression she always had when being around me. It made me feel even more guilty somehow.

“I just feel so sad and angry. I understand that I can’t see them but I _want_ to Tanya. I _want_ it so much it’s making me boil inside.” I told her through gritted teeth that were clenched in fear of biting something that I was not supposed to bite.

“How about we go hunt for a bit? Let it all out. Would you like that?” She must’ve noticed me strange behavior to suggest that. This urge to bite, to drink felt like something I was supposed to feel as a newborn. It scared me.

“Mhm.” I just nodded my head. I didn’t think these rising emotions made me want to talk.

“Alright then. Just follow me, alright? Don’t go anywhere I’m not going.” Tanya emphasized on the last sentence. It was not like I wanted to go anywhere else. Where would I go anyways?

“Let’s run.” She spoke for the final time as she started to move gracefully through the woods. With me right behind her.

At first my movements were a bit stiff, my body tense but after a while I started to move more naturally. Like a cheetah. No movement was unnecessary. No step unused. My body worked like a well oiled machine. Out of my control. The instinct became the driver, I was just the passenger unable to do anything but follow my senses.

My eyes, ears and nose attuned to this activity by becoming more sensitive to more musty and animalistic scents. The smell of fresh snow and frozen flora became secondary. Prey was the target, nothing else mattered.

At the thought of fresh, warm blood my mouth watered and immense feeling of pleasure started to encompass my body. I don’t remember this feeling, this desire to hunt. When I woke up from my change I did not think much about eating those poor deer. It was just something that I needed for my survival but now it was different. I haven’t fed since I’ve come to the Denali’s, even though my throat burned I didn’t feel pressured to eat. Tanya was more that enough of a distraction so that my thoughts didn’t wander in this direction.

Now though, as I ran with Tanya, with a clear goal in my mind, the burning that kept on growing inside my throat, inside _me_ was let free to reign over me. I could feel the excitement that energized me, as well as exhilaration I never felt as a human. This was something otherworldly, completely inhuman. Even though my mind and body were filled with these animalistic, instinctual emotions and sensation I felt like they were _right_ to be here. I did not feel scared by them or felt like they were unnatural. Though my mind wanted to come back to the mindset I had as a human, my heart and body refused. I allowed myself to be swept by this power and promise of pleasure.

Sweet scent of Tanya wanted to distract me from looking out for a potential prey and I was almost willing to give in to the desire to sweep her of her feet and make her mine. I growled at the idea and when Tanya looked back at me to see what was going on I purred at the image of her rich blonde hair being swayed by her movements. Her gracious body moved like a racing stream, taking everything with it. Including my heart.

Her melodious laughter was the response to my bold - unlike me - purr. It contrasted beautifully against the sound of air I cut through with each step. She was hypnotizing. Hypnotizing enough to delay the tempting scent of blood entering my nostrils.

I stopped and with that I took the earth and snow with me. Behind me I left two deep lines made by my untender feet.

I stood and let my eyes close, then I took a deep breath and tensed. I knew that smell. More rich and inviting that the bland, musty one of an animal. It was a scent of a human. Human filled with red, thick blood. Blood that I knew would satisfy me and engross me in no pleasure I knew of. The ambrosia every vampire yearns to possess.

I was astounded that I did not bolt in the direction of this alluring scent but maybe it was because Tanya was standing close to me holding my shoulders tightly.

“Bella, are you with me?” She asked me worriedly. I don’t know why she had this bothered expression. I haven’t done anything yet.

“I am. Do you smell it Tanya?” I asked even though I knew the answer.

“Of course.” She paused.

“I scouted this area earlier. I don’t know how they could set up a camp so fast.” She said to me, still concerned.

Camp? I was confused for a second about how she knew that it was a camp but then I heard crackling of a fire and sound of tents being hit by the wind. Four humans. Alone in the woods. Perfect prey.

I started to move but Tanya still held my shoulders tightly. I looked at her wondering why was she stopping me.

“Are you sure you want to do that?” She asked me.

Did I want to? My instincts were saying yes. My whole body agreed. The burning in my throat grew tenfold and my mouth watered once again with venom. There was still a part of me, though, that held back. Asking me if I wanted to do something like kill an innocent human being. There would be no coming back from that.

Deer were innocent to, right? And I killed them in cold blood. How’s this any different?

It is. They are human. I was human not so long ago. They have a family and friends. People who care about them. Like I do have people that care about me. But they’re sad now. They think they lost me forever and I can’t go to them and say that they’re wrong. That I’m still here. I can’t do that. I felt powerless at this though, as well as extremely frustrated and angry. I was not thinking clearly. What I wanted to do was purely driven by emotion. Not a sane mind as it should be. But I _wanted_ to. I _needed_ to. This was my right. I had to feed.

I looked at Tanya.

“I don’t know.” I said as I bolted from her grip.


	8. Euphoria

Bella

The tempting scent was getting closer to me as I moved faster than ever. My steps quiet for my feet barely hit the ground as they pushed me forward. The images of promised torn flesh and exposed veins made me shudder throughout. I saw blood pulling around my vision, surrounding me like a crimson blizzard. Warm like a lover.

I could almost feel it flowing down my throat, smooth as silk and as tender in taste. I bared my teeth and moved my tongue over them. Their sharpness filled my with newfound frenzy. They almost ached, wanting to be buried in a human flesh so strongly.

My gums hurt and I felt my lips tense.

My mouth was too dry.

It needed blood. _I_ needed blood.

So I ran.

I moved faster.

And faster.

The hunger grew.

The camping site entered my vision. I ran faster. My hands like claws, prepared to catch and hold the prey. Then, the humans noticed me but I was too quick for them to react. I pounced and buried my fingers deep in the shoulders of the prey. I heard it scream from the pain. It did not make any sense. What a pathetic creature.

I showed it more teeth. I wanted to enjoy this. It screamed more. I breathed in its divine scent. As my head moved closer to its neck I felt pressure on me. I smiled. My mate has arrived.

She held my head high, away from the prey I caught. I purred as I felt her breast press against my back. I shuddered once more, this time not from the alluring scent of fresh blood but from desire she awaken inside me. I tried to turn my head towards her but she didn’t let me. I growled. She wanted to show her strength but I knew I was more powerful. So I let her, wanting for her to have her fun. For now.

“Bella!” She screamed. Weirdly enough.

“Mhm.” I waited patiently for her to continue. My prey still struggled. What a spirit.

She was quiet for quite some time. She was moving on top of me, changing her position and it made me purr as her legs shifted by brushing against my thighs.

“They’re getting away.” She murmured. Then I heard sounds of someone running. I instantly tensed and growled. Is it a threat? Do they want to take my prey away from me? I clenched my hands and I felt my catch go limp. Not as fun when it’s not struggling anymore.

Then the running stopped close to us. I sharpened my senses. Preparing to fight.

“Carmen, go and catch the ones who run away. I can’t leave her like this.” Tanya pleaded. She sounded anxious and worried. I didn’t like this tone.

“Three more?” Carmen asked and I tensed. She was a threat and I was not able to see her. I growled loudly and she laughed.

“The young ones are always so feisty. Don’t you think Tanya?” Her tone was playful with the same note of tiredness she always had while speaking underlying her tone.

“Just go Carmen. This is not a time for jokes.” Tanya spoke to her angrily. I smiled. My mate was strong.

I heard a deep sigh and running footsteps once more. Carmen was getting away from us. Good.

“Now, Bella. Listen to me really closely alright? Nod if you understand.” She spoke directly into my ear. Her breath on it made me hot all over. Not only from the warmth of the fire near us and the bodily heat of my prey but also from the feelings she awoke inside me.

I nodded my head. Let’s play her games for now.

“I can’t take you away from this girl now so I’m going to let you drink her blood. I don’t want to let you do that while you’re in this state but you’re too strong for me now and I don’t want to involve others for obvious reasons.” She sighed at these words but I didn’t care for the nice feelings her breath on my ear made me feel as much as I was overjoyed at the thought of drinking this blood. Blood of the prey _I caught_.

“I’m going to let go of your head now. This is the last opportunity for you to think clearly, darling. After this there is no coming back.” This time her voice was lighter, almost a whisper as she breathed those words towards me. What could’ve she meant by “there’s no coming back”?

I didn’t gave much more thought to her words as I felt her hold on me loosen. I didn’t waste time this opportunity as I launched at my prey. It was still warm and smelled as good as when I first caught its scent. The heart was still beating. Nice. The blood would rush down my throat almost willingly then.

I bared my teeth, feeling the ache in my gums, right at the base of my fangs. It was so strong. The burning in my throat and the tenseness around my mouth motivated me and spoke to me to bite. To drink.

I felt skin, that was wet from my dripping venom, give in under the pressure of my teeth.

Then, almost instantaneously, blood started to pour into my mouth. I latched my lips to the unbroken skin around my bite and drank.

The blood was running through every crevice of my mouth, mixing together with my venom. Creating cocktail I was instantly addicted to.

It was like water, it quenched the fire in my throat that I forgot existed prior to this with every sip I took.

My eyes rolled to the back of my head and my legs squeezed together from the overwhelming feeling of pleasure.

_Ambrosia._

_Ecstasy._

_Euphoria._

Whatever was the name for this feeling I was sure it fitted perfectly. I couldn’t comprehend this elation other than feel it in my bones, my nerves. In every single part of me that was capable of sensation and more.

I felt like this magical liquid was coating my heart, lungs, then stomach and the tender area between my legs. I felt it spread slowly through my limbs and coat my spine in affection of a lover. Making me unable to sense anything other than the bliss this addictive thirst-quencher provided.

I drank and drank until there was nothing more for me to drink. My thirst finally gone; I looked up at the sky relaxed.

I could still smell the sweet scent of blood around my mouth, on my clothes and on the body of my - now dead - prey. I looked down to see its body. I could not see even a flash of skin on its neck as it was all cover in its blood. I looked on its face and noticed long black hair that pooled around its head, beautifully contrasting with the snow on which we were laying.

A young woman of delicate features, that were now twisted in perpetual expression of agony, was laying under me. My fingers were still buried deep into her shoulders and when I went to remove them I felt something hard and elastic under my fingertips. Is that how bones and muscles feel to touch? They were warm, both of them alike. I felt as if I’ve put my hands into warm water, it was strangely comfortable to keep them there.

When I removed my hands remnants of the blood I wasn’t able to drink started to pour from the wounds. I was no longer thirsty, otherwise I was sure I’d be tempted to lick it clean. Until there was no red left to see.

I looked at the body more closely. She was young, maybe a bit older than me. Her smooth skin and shining hair were the proof of her health and beauty. Red of her blood contrasted marvelously against her sun-kissed skin and winter surrounding us. Under the scent of urine and blood there hid another smell. Fresh scent of shampoo and sweet scent of marshmallows. I looked where her hands lied. Next to one of her hands was a stick with a white and fluffy marshmallow stabbed on it. So that was what were they doing before I attacked. 

Her unmoving, aesthetically pleasing dead body was a terrible beauty in this circumstance.

I couldn’t move.

I didn’t want to.

I had to make sure I remembered her face.

She was the woman I killed.

I _killed_ her.

And I didn’t feel guilty.

Tanya was the one who distracted me from my thoughts as she gently got up from behind me. I noticed it just now but she was hugging me this whole time. I looked back at her with what was sure a scared expression on my face. I felt terrified. I had no control over what I’ve done. Something else, something other took charge of my actions. It’s true that I wanted to drink this blood, I wanted to quench this fiery thirst but I didn’t specifically want to _kill_.

But is it really so bad? I don’t feel guilty after all.

It was so confusing. There was a dead body, a body I _made_ dead and yet all I could do right now is fear for _myself_. Not for the life I took. I felt as if the veil of instinct was slowly lifting from my mind, leaving me alone and sane to face what I’ve done. It was a petrifying feeling.

I got up without looking back at the body. I didn’t think I could face more apathy towards my actions and still feel like a good person. _I thought I was good_. I wanted to feel the guilt. This overwhelming feeling of wrongness and yet, it did not come to put weight on my shoulders.

I did not feel remorseful or sad. I was scared for my own agency. Of what I’m capable of. Of this instinct that feels no shame or sympathy. Just _want_.

I was scared of loosing who I thought I was. Of becoming something else, something that feels no sorrow, has no thoughts of its own and is purely driven by desire. I didn’t want to be thoughtless. I didn’t want my freedom to be taken from me. I wanted to be myself and not be scared of the darkness lurking under my skin; awaiting to take control.

Before I could get closer at Tanya, who’s eyes held no judgment, just silent understanding I heard footsteps. Again. It was Carmen, getting back from her own hunt. When she entered my vision my eyes instantly noticed her now inflamed red eyes. They shined wide and alert, without the cloudiness I’ve seen there before. They were exposed and looking at them felt too intimate for me to keep the eye contact for too long. Like an open wound. Did mine look the same right now? Full of silent power and fulfillment?

I’m not sure I wanted to find out.

Besides her eyes, her mouth and clothes were covered in blood. Looking back at myself I noticed that compared to me she looked so much tidier. I was a messy eater.

“So, how was it?” Carmen asked me nonchalantly. As if she were asking me something mundane. It was so in character for her it reassured me. Though I did notice her tone to be slightly deeper. Maybe it had to do with her hunt.

“Thank you Carmen, for what you’ve done but now I think I’ll take care of Bella. Alone.” Before I was able to answer Carmen, Tanya interrupted. Her words held no hesitation and no room to question her decision. I wanted to go back home and just be with Tanya right now. I wanted to get lost in her softness and compassion.

I wanted to process this and ask her questions. So many questions.

Tanya grabbed my hand, without repulsion or even a thread of uncertainty marking her delicate features and then we started to go home, leaving Carmen behind. To do whatever else she was supposed to do.

She – Carmen - looked much more vivid and present than normally when I saw her after she came back from the woods. The red eyes, flaring nostrils and the state of relaxation that were apparent made her look _alive_. It was almost like drinking the human blood, killing them made her feel more. As if she took their lives and made it hers. It brought her back from wherever she’s been at. Pulled her back towards the surface. Towards the reality. What kind of life has she led that such an extreme and violent thing as murder and blood brought back life to her eyes?

She intrigued me. I did not feel negativity towards her, or even fear, even thought I think I should. Were I still human that is.

Now I just wanted to know more. More of her.

I glanced back towards the campsite and saw Carmen looking at me with piercing gaze. How could I not feel it before? It burned me now with its weight. With the knowledge and expectation in her eyes. Was it a glimpse of pride I saw there or was my mind tricking me with still apparent blood high I felt coursing through my veins?

When I turned my head back I noticed Tanya looking at me with unreadable expression marking her face. I was surprised. It was not jealousy this time but something much more important. I couldn’t figure out what.

When we were coming closer to the house, the night was thriving. Moon was hidden behind the clouds and was randomly glancing from there unto us. The moonlight shined shyly at Tanya and I, as if scared to illuminate something that should be left in the dark. Something sinister.

The night was playful today. And so was I before.

There was a light sound of footsteps coming from the house. Feet clad in wool socks languidly sliding on the wooden floor. There was no ruckus, no sign of apprehension towards my arrival. Though, there was no indication that they knew what happened not so long ago, I knew they were aware. The wind might’ve brought the sweet scent of blood to them. Freshly spilled blood. And if not the screams were enough of proof of my actions.

Near the doors, just as Tanya was about to open them, I grew conscious of my state of attire. Would I not bring too much dirt and _temptation_ in there?

She must’ve sense my trepidation because she took of her shoes and subtly indicated that I took off mine as well. Their rims coated in blood. The single spots of red were still clearly visible on her shirt and trousers but it was still nothing compared to what I looked like. Like a picture straight from a gore show.

I took my shoes off, but I was still unsure of the state of my clothes. I didn’t want others to see me like that. All dirty with blood and other unspeakable things. It was enough that Carmen saw me this way. And Tanya. _Always Tanya._

Though, in the back of my mind I almost wanted to parade myself like this. To show off the results of my hunt. To make others envious that they were unable to taste the blood of my victim, but they were just passing thoughts. They couldn’t compete in strength with the ones I had just before I dived right into that black haired woman. It filled me with hope and assured me a little that the instinct was not always in control. I knew that before but despite that I felt better. More like myself.

“It’s alright, Bella.” She looked at me with her soft eyes.

“We’ll go straight to the bathroom and take a nice warm bath.” She told me sweetly and I lost focus on my wandering thoughts. Warm bath sounded very nice right now. Pursuit of pleasure won yet again.

Inside the house lights were dimmed. It was unnecessary for them to be fully on after all.

Tanya dragged me very swiftly towards the stairs, distracting me enough with her gracious figure so that I did not look around me when we walked in. I was grateful for that. I seemed to be always very grateful for Tanya. I wish I could repay her someway.

Tanya’s room, or maybe it was ours now, smelled stunningly as always and I was suddenly overcome with want to take off these clothes that still clung to me with the scent of blood tightly, for it was so wrong to bother the quality of Tanya’s natural odor. I wanted it to be unperturbed. Unclouded. _Mine_.

I shook my head. It was not a time for these kind of thoughts. I had to gather myself and get clean. My appearance was too uncanny.

Before I was able to remove my own clothing Tanya’s nimble fingers began to undress me. I did not flinch or pulled away from her. I let her do it. Her face, her focused eyes and scrunched up eyebrows, the mouth that was tightly shut and tenseness around her shoulders stopped me from getting away from her. How dumb was I? Why didn’t I realize before that Tanya had to fought off the temptation of blood? She had to watch me drink it. It must’ve been so frustrating for her. To not be able to taste what I did.

I felt mad at myself and I felt sadness engulfing my heart with its heaviness. I didn’t want to upset her or make her feel uncared for. I should’ve offered her the blood, I should’ve presented it to her first. That is something a good mate would do.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered uncertainly. I wanted to apologize for being so selfish and inconsiderate. For letting my body guide my actions, without thinking about what killing campers near their property would do. About not thinking at all.

“What are you sorry for? You did nothing wrong. Now go to the bath and start the water. I’ll be right there.” She said firmly.

I felt like a child. It embarrassed me. Thankfully Tanya’s tone was not scolding, just little bit impatient so I did as she asked.

Even though I was standing in front of her in just my underwear I did not feel shy or ashamed. I did not feel like much of anything really. I felt suddenly comfortable enough in her presence to not care to shield myself from her eyes. Why did my stance on such a thing change so drastically? Was it connected with the blood I spilled?

When I turned my back on her and went to start the bath I heard rustling of clothes hitting the ground. Not my clothes. I felt abrupt anticipation to see Tanya. More of her. To be able to fully admire her soft and tender skin. To - maybe - see a bashful look on her face as she enters my vision not guarded by garments of necessity. _To eat her with my eyes. To make her feel appreciated and beautiful_.

It felt odd, having those bold thoughts course through my mind, because I never considered myself daring or courageous. Somehow, though, I was able to find enough confidence in me to take off my underwear and step into the bath and sit down. Feeling the warm water hug me loosely. I could see, as I put my hands under the water, red color slowly disappear from my palms. Blood was agilely moving through the disturbed water, weaving strange patterns around my body.

I grabbed some water in my hands and splashed it onto my face. I looked down at my chest that was being gradually cowered by the blood mixed with water falling from my face. It painted my breasts in swirls of scarlet and then descended into the water I was sitting in… and then it was gone. Marking the colorless water pink.

Even when washed off, the blood was too stubborn to vanish completely.

I heard light steps coming closer to the bathroom. They were shy, cautionary. Tanya was checking if I was alright with her in our current state of undress. I understood her caution. I told her when we first met – when she offered me a bath - that I wasn’t ready for something so intimate with her as being naked around each other. Right now, though, I didn’t find the idea bothersome. I was slightly excited by it even. This change of mindset had to do something with the blood I drank. There was no way I wouldn’t feel anxious or embarrassed if that bloody incident hadn’t happened.

She stepped into the bathroom and my eyes fell onto her face. Her soft, as always, eyes and high cheekbones were marked with slight tenseness. I could see her gulp and swallow. Was she nervous or just hungry?

Her now darkened eyes traveled from my face to my collarbones and down below. Without much incentive mine did the same thing.

I looked at the taut skin around her shoulders and collarbones, then at her breasts. The visible sternum made me want to glide my fingers from her neck to her hips. I wanted to travel across her body and never come back to my own.

The dips around her waist and hips were made to hold her there tightly and lovingly. All of her body was made to be loved. _Loved only by me_.

With every step in my direction I could sense the power hidden in her unsuspecting, heavenly body. She was a perfect predator. Alluring and swift in her attack. I felt like a prey that wanted to be caught by her. I felt myself shiver as I smelled her. The divine scent hit my nostrils and I took a deep breath while letting my mouth hang open, desiring to taste it with every sense I had.

Her whole presence surrounded me and made me want to obey her. Made me want to do everything for her, to protect her, to keep her near me at all times. _To be mine and mine alone._

The intensity of her touch, as she let her hand caress my lightly soaked hair, could almost rival that of the first time we held each other. I shivered as I felt every singular finger of her perfect palm on my scalp. She made me so sensitive.

Her touch held no anger, no frustration that my actions might have caused her and the coven. All I felt in that touch was understanding and longing. Longing for something we both desired.

“May I?” She asked me. The sound of her voice struggled to reach me through the thick air that was now full of heat from the water I was sitting in.

I nodded my head, maybe a little too eagerly, but I wanted to be closer. To touch her. To share with her all of myself. It was a bit scary, how strongly Tanya made me feel, how quickly she could change my mood with her presence. It was almost as if my whole existence was dedicated sorely for Tanya. I was not sure if that made me happy or afraid. Maybe a combination of both.

She gracefully sat across for me, I had to pull my legs towards me to make space for her. The bath was clearly not made for more than one person after all. I did not mind that one bit.

As she sat down, in a position mirroring my own, our feet touched and stayed that way. Her eyes were burrowing into mine, almost as if she wanted to scorch my soul with her dark shiny eyes. I lightly ran my foot over hers, wanting to keep some sort of physical contact with her. I could see her shudder lightly and the next thing she did was stroke my calf with her short nails. She could not leave my eyes alone.

“How are you feeling?” Such a simple yet loaded question. Did I want to answer that? I didn’t know whether I had an answer or not. I knew I didn’t have to.

So much has happened in such a short amount of time. My emotional reaction to Kate’s mishap earlier today was forgotten as I thought of the passion that the bloodlust provided me not so long ago. I could sense that perhaps looking back at the woman I killed, at how that made me feel, might make me aware of some things that were different within me from the moment I was changed. The dark haired woman could be a symbol of what I became, of my new desires, my new _needs._ The look on Carmen face as Tanya and I were retreating to the house took on a new meaning.

Was that the moment I embraced my new set of wants, thoughts and _instincts_? Is that why Carmen looked at me that way?

At the moment I smelled the fresh scent of blood, that blended in beautifully with the smell of cold nature, I was torn. I think I could’ve resisted the urge more. I think I might’ve not made the decision I did. _Decision_. It was a decision. It was not some mysterious monster that took over my body without my permission. It was I that let myself run free of restrains of human morality. I embraced myself. I was forced to embrace myself. As a vampire.

It felt good not bothering about what the human me would think, about what the human me would and wouldn’t do. I liked the freedom I felt when I let myself go but I also feared – _I fear_ – of what true control I have over myself. It was so very confusing. It was as if I had two set of morals and I could easily tell which one was winning. It felt good and right to listen to my body, to what my instincts advised I’d do. Then why shouldn’t I? I was a vampire now. I can’t go back to being human. It wouldn’t matter if I wanted to or not either way.

“I feel good. Confused. Content. _Full_.” I said quietly to Tanya as if I was sharing a secret with her. Something taboo.

Her fingernails were still tracing my calf, under my knee and my ankle. I could feel the trail they left, almost like she was touching all of those places at once. I grabbed her wandering hand with mine and let my fingers wander, like hers did, over her palm. I wanted to feel every crevice, every little bump, every detail I could and memorize them all. Every speckle in her eyes, now dark like sky we walked under, seemed different from the other. They made beautiful constellations in the little galaxies that were so full of love and admiration I felt my heart melt and distribute the remnants across my chest. The heat traveled over my body and when I felt it spread to the hand that was holding Tanya’s palm I leaned towards her. She leaned too at the same time and I kissed her forehead and reached my other hand to feel her collarbones. Slowly tracing my fingers over her skin there as my lips descended onto her nose and I could feel her sigh contently when my fingertips finally glided over her sternum, wanting to reach deeper. Wanting to touch her heart. It was a morbid desire that felt so right and strong I was not able to pull my hand away from her chest. I wanted to stay like this. With Tanya’s sweet lips breath away from mine. Her body squeezed next to me and my hand over her chest as we held hands, fingers intertwined. The water kissing us slowly as we moved a little every now and again. It was a perfect moment.

“I love you.” I don’t know which one of as said that. Maybe it was her, maybe me. Or perhaps both of us at once. We might’ve thought it too. I felt so connected with her. More so than ever before. The blood still cursing through my body filled me with more love, more passion I could give her. I wanted to pour it all onto her. Until she’d drown in the sea of my love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a thing for collarbones. Can you tell?


	9. Reflections

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m debating over changing two paragraphs in the chapter three to minimize the confusion that any future reader my feel. The part when she smells humans that is. If this chapter won’t be able to shed light onto what it is that’s siting inside my head every time I write this story or just plainly tie things together I will have to make that change. So, I would humbly ask you to tell me if this chapter helps, makes things worse or if I should do more explaining. 
> 
> And thank you for any comment you leave on this story, whether It’d be considered negative or not I appreciate you telling me how you feel about this fic. 
> 
> I’m mostly toying with ideas in this story and you know, moral dilemmas and how vampires view the world. I wanted to make it so it’s instinct that drives most of their decisions, whether they like it or now, because of this whole self – preservation and survival instinct they feel because they’re more primal but also more advanced and I’m honestly just looking for answers as I write. So I get the confusion. I’m confused as well, but that’s also kind of the point. I hope this helps you understand what’s in my head. In the end I just like vampires and beautiful women. 
> 
> And one more thing, I post so inconsistently due to my issues and I prefer to write when I’m not bothered by them as much, so it wouldn’t affect what comes out for you to read. Even though some things I wrote are a very adequate reflection of what I felt at the moment. I hope you enjoy and sorry for the rant.

Bella

After we carefully cleaned each other, with Tanya’s wide array of shampoos and soaps in almost every smell you could imagine there was, we got out of the still pinkish water, now covered in white foam. There was surprisingly no tension between us, no expectation to do something we were not on the same page about and I appreciated that. I could simply enjoy this soft intimacy between us, as I was still processing the things I found out about me not so long ago.

There was a mirror in the bathroom, one I hadn’t noticed before, because of the distraction Tanya provided, that I came closer to and noticed it being covered in steam. I reached my hand to brush the steam off so I could look at myself. I wanted to see if I truly had Carmen’s eyes. James’ eyes. Victoria’s eyes. _Laurent’s eyes._

I could’ve hesitated, I could’ve walked away from this moment and forget the curiosity inside me, but the urge to look at myself, to perhaps learn something new about me, something I wasn’t able to spot before from introspection, was strong and I couldn’t find any reason against it except the fear of looking at someone I didn’t recognize. What would I do if the face in the mirror was one of a stranger? _Would I taste true death then?_

My hand slowly glazed across the surface of the mirror and then, there I was.

I don’t know what I expected. It was the face I knew my whole life, but there was something else under my immaculate skin. Something new, something I was not quite familiar with, but that didn’t scare me off as much as my eyes.

They were wide and red and _radiant_. They almost shined. Like polished diamonds bathed in fresh blood. _Beautiful._

I liked them. As much as I liked the blood I could still taste on my tongue.

Tanya’s golden eyes looked plain in comparison, although they still had their charm, it was a battle they couldn’t win.

I went to touch the skin around them, to sense for any outside changes that might’ve occurred due to my intake of human blood, but there were none. The only outside difference was the color of my eyes. It felt almost disappointing. Almost as if there should be more to me, something more about me that would scream and scare off those who cross my path, but no. I was still above stunning, above alluring, as all vampires should be. Perfect bait.

“Bella, what would you like to wear?” Tanya asked me from the bedroom. I didn’t even notice her disappearance, I was so focused on my reflection.

“Choose for me, please.” In the last couple of days I learned that it didn’t matter what I wore. I felt fine in any clothing she provided me and I actually liked the idea of being dressed by Tanya, _in_ Tanya’s clothes.I felt closer to her even when she was out of my sight that way.

“Here you go.” She said as she stepped back into the bathroom, already clothed. This time she had a long skirt and a cozy looking jumper on. All in light and easy on the eyes colors, just how she liked it. The clothes she gave me were much the same, but instead of skirt she handled me a pair of cotton shorts that looked very comfortable. And of course underwear. That is something I had to get used to sharing, even though she said she bought new ones I had an inkling that wasn’t entirely true. When your counterpart is a vampire I guess it doesn’t make that much of difference.

“Come sit with me after you dress.” Her voice was tender, inviting. So tempting that I didn’t waste anymore time and got to her as quickly as possible. She was already sitting on the bed, with a tranquil look in her eyes. The moonlight coming through the window adored her hair beautifully. Making her look celestial, out of this world. I sat next to her without looking anywhere else but at her. I couldn’t look away.

She took my hand in hers and her smooth and seemingly delicate palm was as delightful as ever to hold onto. If only physical contact we ever had was like this I honestly wouldn’t mind, if only I could look at her as unabashedly as I did now. My eyes wandered over her lithe figure, feeding off of her beauty and marvel with every second. The tiniest of detail I noticed of her brought me closer to knowing what divinity was. _How someone like her – like me – can be so lovely and yet have their hands bathed in blood?_ What does that make us?

“Tanya, what exactly happened to me back there?” I remembered I wanted to ask questions. This is as good of a moment as any I suppose.

She turned her head, away from the mystical view of the moon she admired before, to meet my eyes. When we finally locked eyes I could see nostalgia swirling in her iris. And the waves of reminiscence were black.

“You’re a newborn, you lost control, that happens to most of us. It’s not unusual.” She said but I sensed there was more she wanted to tell me. Maybe she didn’t know how she wanted to say it.

“It did feel like a battle to me in the beginning but in the end I think something yielded inside me, like I yielded.” I felt more bare now than when we were in the bath together. This was an emotional vulnerability and I, like my father, was not an expert at this sort of thing. It’s true that I was comfortable with talking about almost everything with Tanya before but this felt different. It felt new to me. This was a territory I was not familiar with and Tanya had more knowledge on this sort of thing than me so I was slightly intimidated.

“And before, I mean before I came here, I smelled people before and nothing like this has happened. So what was different now?” I could feel frown setting on my face. After every question I had more doubts revealing themselves.

“Do you remember when Eleazar said your gift is a shield? That was probably the reason you resisted the first time – “

“But what about this time? Why?” I squeezed her hand strongly.

“This is pure speculation on my part but maybe it’s because of my presence. Gifts often react to emotions, whether we like it or not. If they didn’t I don’t think you’d feel my pull or go after those campers.” I think I understood what she was saying.

“So my gift doesn’t work when you’re around? It’s because we’re mated, right?” More questions.

“I think so, the amount of emotions we have for each other affects us. When I feel longing or love my gift grows stronger and in your case when you’re around me you’re letting your shield down so the mating bond we have can reach you. Or at least that’s what I think. There is no textbook for this. We can only seek answers based on our own impressions. Vampires are not creatures of logic after all, darling. We just follow what our body and mind tell us.” Tanya softly spoke to me right as her head fell down on my shoulder.

I could feel her angle her head so her lips were nearly touching my neck but instead of a kiss I felt her breath. _Was she smelling me?_

I felt myself shudder and breathing in her scent as well. Her hair smelled the same as mine did, like the shampoo we used. It was a fresh and mild scent that didn’t fully hide her natural aroma. I couldn’t help but feel more enamored.

She was always so tender with me. I wanted to be gentle with her, to caress and adore her. To make her feel like a princess.

She was very good at distracting me from troubling thoughts, but as good as noticing them wander.

“There’s something else, isn’t there?” She asked even though it was clearly not a question.

“Is it normal, to not feel guilty?” I don’t think I could’ve asked this question any more quietly.

“It’d be counter productive for us if we did, darling.” Why was I scared to ask this, I knew the answer to this question deep down. Why do humans feel hungry or need to sleep? Why do vampires don’t feel guilty when they kill? These questions have all the same answer. It’s just the way things are.

The simplicity of this was quite shocking, or maybe I just needed to hear someone say it. I’m not sure what expected.

“Why do you feed off of animals, Tanya?” Still, there was more I wanted to know.

“My reasons might be different from the Cullen’s, they might be different from your own if you decide that’s a diet you wish to follow so keep in mind that they are mine and mine alone. Don’t let them influence your choice.”

“I know. I get it.” _I think I do._

“That’s good to hear. So, my first few hundred years were full of blood, violence and injustice, but that’s not the view I had of those times back then. For me it felt like paradise. I was strong, beautiful and I had immense thirsts for blood. When I was travelling with Sasha – my and my sister’s maker – I was chasing something I wasn’t sure I could ever get. Fullness. Contentedness. Satisfaction. I thought the thrill of the hunt, of the human blood provided me that, would provide it in time, but I was wrong. With time I felt as if I was wasting myself, like with every life I took part of me died from disappointment and frustration. So I stopped. I didn’t realize I could feed off of animals back then so I wandered hungry, not knowing what to do. My sisters couldn’t help me, Sasha was gone and I grasped that no one could help me but myself. I think I never fully recovered from that part of my life. Then, I had an epiphany. I saw a wolf eating some poor rabbit and I asked myself: Can I do something like this as well? And I could. The animal blood was nothing like the human one I knew the taste of so well but I felt like something within me stopped shattering. It was a small grace considering I knew I couldn’t recover what I already lost of myself. Lack of human blood helps me with my own self-awareness, prevents me from losing myself completely to the pursuit of euphoria. But, these are my reasons. Kate, Irina, Eleazar and… Carmen, they all have their own and they are theirs to tell. Some of us – vampires – feel like the more primal, aggressive version of themselves, that comes out under the influence of human blood, is not for them; they don’t feel fully comfortable in such a wild and instinctual state. Some find it freeing, natural and it feels right to them and none of those reasons are good or bad. There is no room for such a distinction for us. There is only need for self-preservation. We make choices that benefit our survival. Whether they are based on our physical or mental well-being. We are not humans, we do not think or feel like them. Our choices are made differently because of that _._ At least that’s how it is in general. Mated pairs experience this a bit differently from what I’ve seen. And experienced. Emotions that come from the mating bond in extreme circumstance cannot be explained by what I’ve told you. Victoria, from what you described about her situation, is an example of that.” I felt like I learned a great deal of and from Tanya just know, but still I had a lot to learn of myself. Of what I wanted and needed.

I was fine with animal blood even though it didn’t make me feel any particular way. It was nothing compared to the blood of a human. The taste was bland, _in comparison_ , the satisfaction after the meal was almost none existent, _in comparison_ , and I didn’t feel as content, _in comparison_. It would all be fine if I haven’t tasted that woman. I wouldn’t be having this dilemma. I wouldn’t give it a second thought. But I should, right? I knew what I wanted but is this really a decision that is needed? I still didn’t have enough of information to make a final choice. If I’d wanted to drink from humans how would it look like? How would it fit with everyone else in this coven?

“You’ll make your choice. We all did. Now come, let’s rest.” She pulled me further into the bed. It was soft and smelled of Tanya. My second favorite place, right after Tanya’s embrace.

I hugged her closer to me and put my head in the crook of her neck. This place made me feel safe, cherished and comfortable. The way her arms held me and rested on my back, and sometimes as her fingers lightly scratched my neck, made me feel unbelievably happy. No amount of blood could match the pleasure I felt in her embrace.

The moon was still glowing and from the corner of my eye I could see Tanya’s silhouette illuminated by milky moonlight. I touched her hip and caressed her figure, right when the light hit, and travelled higher and higher until my hand rested just above her breast. The jumper she was wearing left enough skin exposed so I could trace patterns with my fingers there. With every move my fingers made I felt like Tanya’s skin was getting hotter. Or maybe it was just me?

There was this particular lovely spot just below her collarbone and right under my lips, and I couldn’t help myself. I kissed her right there with all the love I had and didn’t know what to do with except give it all to Tanya. Until she could feel nothing but me.

She sighed. It was a happy sigh so I continued giving her kisses around that spot. Her hand rested on my head and her fingers sneaked through my hair to lightly scratch my scalp. I’ve never imagined that such a simple touch could evoke so many feelings.

I placed my arms around her waist, grabbing the fabric of the jumper, she was wearing, with my fist. I felt so full of energy and excitement that I felt it rip apart under my grip. I didn’t care enough to stop so I put my hands on her newly uncovered skin, just over her spine and slid my hands there. Feeling her slight shudders that reflected my own.

“Oh, _Bella_.” Her purr mixed with my name and I was presented with another choice this day. Should I continue what I was doing or did I want to do something more to Tanya? For Tanya.

I moved on top of her. My knees pressed to the bed right between her legs. Her skirt rode up, revealing more of her alabaster skin. Shiny as fresh snow. My hair blocked her face from the moonlight, not letting it grace her skin. _Shame._

Just as I thought that, Tanya gathered my hair exposing her face to the light and I instantly _swooned_. Light smile was adoring her lips making them more tantalizing than ever before. Her strong cheekbones accented her soft eyes in the best of ways. I counted every eyelash I could see. The hair that pooled around her head looked like a halo of an angel, shining brightly as such too. _My angel_.

I touched her cheeks with my right hand. Carefully as if I was scared of destroying this painting of Tanya. I adored her and I wanted her to know that. Words were not enough. Nothing was more adequate to convey the amount of love I felt than my eyes. The way I looked at her spoke volumes. I could tell because I knew she loved me just the same from the way her eyes looked into my own.

“Tanya. I want _you_.” I hope she understood. My words were almost completely covered by a purr mixed with a growl.

“You already have me, dear. The question is what are you going to do about it?” The promise and playfulness in her voice as well as the not so subtle act of hooking her legs behind my back made me want to rip myself and Tanya apart and then sow us together so we could never be apart. A bomb of passion exploded in my chest and took control of my limbs, my mouth, every part of me as I started to cherish Tanya with gently touches. We danced, we fought and we pushed and pulled.

All I felt was love as I fell into the sweet embrace of _my_ Aphrodite.

* * *

No dawn, no matter how beautiful, could compare to Tanya’s beauty especially when she was relaxed, satisfied and happy. As I looked upon her from my side of the bed I saw that her whole presence was one of a snowdrop, courageously meeting the sun while surrounded by cold and death at all sides. Unabashedly presenting its beauty. That’s my Tanya.

Early sun was kissing her exposed skin as tenderly as I did before it arrived to announce the start of a new day.

“Bella.” Her voice was like a snake slowly crawling around my heart. Seducing me with its allure.

“Yes, Tanya?” _Her name. Oh, how I love it_.

“We should get up. The day is upon us.” I didn’t want to, though. I could stay right here, next to her, surrounded by our mixed scents that proved what we did this night was not an illusion.

But, she was right. It’s time to get up. Face a new day. After all, I knew we’d have more days like this in the future. Days and nights.

I was in a good mood because the ghost of Tanya’s touch was still lingering on my skin. Reminding me constantly of the love we shared. I almost didn’t want to take a shower. I wanted to feel Tanya’s scent on me for as long as possible, but thinking of how that’d feel for the others made me get up and go to the bathroom. It would be slightly embarrassing if they smelled what I do. If they didn’t already heard everything that is. Though, I’m pretty sure the house is intricately soundproofed, there was this little spark of what if.

I shared the shower with Tanya, she was a tempting distraction, but we managed to not waste anymore water than we already did yesterday.

I enjoyed having my hair brushed by Tanya’s hands. The way she looked at me as she glided the brush through my dark hair made me feel relaxed and warm inside. After that it was my turn to brush hers and I took my time. It was truly wondrous that after so many years her hair didn’t change, as far as I could tell. _We_ wouldn’t and didn’t change, that thought brought me a strange sense of happiness. It meant that I could have this version of Tanya for the rest of our lives.

When we went downstairs I heard Eleazar and Kate talking swiftly. It was harder for me to understand them that way.

“ – maybe we should contact the rest of the Cullen’s first? I know what they did was wrong but isn’t it better to deal with it now rather than later?” Eleazar’s smooth voice was controlled and patient. It was always a pleasure to hear. His compassionate nature made me feel at ease around him.

“I don’t want anything to do with them for now. The disregard for the rules they showed was most abhorrent. I’d never thought that Carlisle would do something like that.” Irina’s voice was cutting as always when she desired it to be. I could feel the emotion behind her words as clear as I could see their faces as we reached the bottom of the stairs.

“I know how you feel about breaking the rules but I would really want to hear what Carlisle has to say. What they did was very unusual, on that we can agree.” Eleazar’s tone was getting more breathy. They might’ve had this conversation for a while.

“Before you continue, the lovebirds are here.” Kate’s playful voice embarrassed me but Tanya’s hold on my arm made me care a little bit less. I sighed, not wanting the teasing to continue.

“Kate, stop.” Tanya’s voice boomed across the living room or maybe I was just hyper focused on her to make it seemed like it did. Either way Kate put her hands in a gesture of surrender and the wink she send my way was at least less annoying than her classical jokes. The incident with Kate yesterday was something I couldn’t really stay mad about. So I suppose that is resolved. Unfortunately, her whole demeanor was still as mischievous as ever.

I looked away from Kate eyes and found those of Carmen. They were glistening as brightly as mine and looked feral. The usual tired look was replaced by piercing and confident eyes. I kind of liked this version of Carmen better. She looked more alive.

“Bella, good morning! How are you feeling?” Carmen asked me from where she was sitting. It was a bit strange witnessing this face of hers, but not unpleasant.

“Uhm, I’m good. Very good, actually.” The fact that I said more than one word was enough of a proof of that.

“I bet you are.” I almost didn’t hear it because Kate hid her words behind a poorly acted cough. _Why wouldn’t she learn? Vampires don’t cough._

“It was quite a surprise to us all that campers went this close to our border. It hasn’t happened in a long while.” Eleazar said.

“But it happens and when it does we deal with it.” Irina added.

“You deal with it?” Before I could think I asked the question.

“Well, we are a vegetarian coven but sometimes some of us indulge. Very rarely though.” Carmen said. It was a surprise even though I should’ve expected something like that from Carmen from the way she casually aided in my hunt, but the fact that not only Carmen was fine with that was a shock.

“If we met a poacher on our path or just feel like we’re in a mood we go for it.” The fact that it was Irina who said it instead if Eleazar or Kate was astounding. I mean, she had this whole cold and uncaring demeanor that could mean she liked to partake in human blood, I guess.

“The way we have to spread out in order to feed off of animals can get tiring. Nobody likes to run for hours in order to eat, well… Some of us do.” I was not sure how I felt. This fact was a bit jarring because all I could think of was if some of the Cullen’s had this mindset as well?

And honestly, I kind of liked the idea of it for myself. Mostly animal diet with a hint of human one. Seemed so… obvious, almost.

“In the end it doesn’t matter what we eat. It’s not like we belong to ourselves anymore.” Carmen’s words took me back to the current situation. What could she possibly mean by that?

“Oh, stop with being so morbid. You always get like this after a human.” Kate responded.

“Only seeing the bright side can quickly blind you.” It felt like they had this discussion many times now. The words felt as if mastered. Every word spoken perfectly.

“And walking in darkness leads you nowhere.” Kate sounded more serious than usual.

“Being poetic does not look good on you, Kate.” I had to agree with Carmen. It was a bit unsettling seeing Kate like this.

Kate scoffed and I could see in her eyes that her mind started to wonder.

“Let’s stop this for now. I heard you and Irina talking, Eleazar. Was there something you wanted to do?” Tanya spoke as she and I sat in our designated seat.

“I know I’m alone in this opinion but contacting Carlisle would sate my curiosity and maybe their reasons might surprise us.” Eleazar repeated.

“I know you’re close with Carlisle but my decision on the matter is final. We do nothing for now.” Her voice held anger but it was clearly not directed towards Eleazar.

“Well, if that’s all for the serious discussions I want to play some games with Bella. If you allow me of course, Tanya?” And… The usual Kate was back.

“Ask Bella, not me, sister dear.” Tanya’s tone was getting more relaxed now. I turned to Kate to answer.

“To be honest, I wanted to go an a walk. Close by.” I said to Kate as well as the rest of the coven.

“Of course. Me and my games shall be waiting for your return.” I was glad Kate didn’t push me to play games with her. I knew she could, but she didn’t.

“Have a nice walk, darling.” Before I got up from my and Tanya’s seat I got a kiss and my mood got much better. My head was cleaned and my thoughts more comprehensible.

I left the house noticing it’s been a while since I was just by myself. Usually, if Tanya wasn’t around me someone else was. I wondered if they did it on purpose or something. Maybe they were scared I’ll go on a rampage? I don’t know. Either way it felt nice being by myself. I had an opportunity to think on what I learned.

I was just surprised I suppose by the way they spoke of their unusual diet, Irina and Carmen that is. They had to drink human blood very rarely because from what the Cullen’s told me it took couple of months to get golden eyes.

The most shocking revelation was that I was intrigued by the idea of that diet. I was not sure yet what would be my final decision but I had a vogue idea of what I wanted.

I went behind the house. It was easier to see the sky from there. The sun was rising and I could clearly see it because there were less clouds today. How long has it been that I looked at the sun so openly? Just days and yet it felt like it should be longer. Does time feels slower for vampires? I’d have to ask. With Tanya by my side I had hoped it to be the truth.

Before I was able to get further from the house I heard the phone ring from the inside. The last time it called didn’t end very well.

“Hello?” It was Tanya that answered.

“I’m so sorry, but I had to tell them!” It was Alice yet again with her loud and panicked voice.

“Alice, please describe in more detail what it was that you did.” I felt lighting travel across my spine as Tanya’s voice was almost just the growl. It was scary hearing her this angry.

Most importantly, I felt my as if my heart dropped to my stomach and rage filled my veins with scorching lava. I didn’t want to deal with them, I didn’t want to see them and if I ever did I wanted it to be on my rules. Alice took that choice away from me and I was sure we were going to have visitors very soon.

I almost wanted to kill something, _again_.


End file.
